How much distance should there be between art and artist? I’d say no more than a lifetime.
Good art is like a sexy pair of lips—it has the potential to say so much, but prefers to have you do all the talking about it. Also, good art is fun to kiss and make out with (especially statues and portraits).
I make art like I make love—slowly, so I get the most for my money.
Rembrandt painted portraits, The Karate Kid painted fences, and I paint my toenails. But I’m not a snob, I still consider those other two guys to be artists.
If artists often get famous posthumously, then there is only one thing for me to do—fake my own death. Or I could just wait for science to give me a clone, and kill him instead. He’ll get my credit, and I’ll get his money.
I’m going on vacation, and I’m leaving my clone in charge. I’ll be gone, but I’ll be here.
You can’t become a famous garage band if you never perform outside your garage. That’s why my band plays in my driveway.
I watch basketball like I watch baseball: I don’t. I’d much rather watch grass grow. Actually, golf isn’t that bad.
From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.
Two days ago, Tuesday at 10:10 am, I gave birth to a bagel. And God commanded me to slice up my only begotten bagel in two, and who am I to argue with God? So I did it. Then I ate it. I’m not proud of the last part, but at the time it seemed like t...
I don’t shower because water is the most corrosive element. Ever seen what it does to rock? I want a chiseled body, but I don’t want it to look like the Grand Canyon.
She probably thinks I have the clothes of a millionaire. And I do, but they’re still on his body, which is still in the trunk of my car.
Sometimes when I read before bed I get so tired that my eyes gloss over the sentences without actually taking in any information, as my mind wanders in a pre dream state. That’s also how I drive 99% of the time. The other 1% I’m just flat-out asl...
The book wasn’t half bad. But only because I only read half of it.
Books are portable companions. But so are midgets.
If I own a business, I work for myself. And if I have no revenue, I work for free. That’s not slavery. That’ll be the case when I employ 1,000,000,000 clones of myself. I won’t pay them, but they are me, so it’s not slavery.
I’m going to name my firstborn son 0123456789, because I want him to learn to count before he learns the alphabet. And my second son I’ll call 01, because I want him to get into computers at a young age.
A quiet kid is a good kid. But a quiet and invisible kid is an even better kid.
I think we should keep politics out of church, and back in hell where it belongs.
I just bought a can of brown paint. It’s more expensive than coffee, but I really hit the wall after I chug it.
I want to grow a Loyalty Beard, to prove my commitment to my favorite shaving cream.
