Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

The only nutritional sustenance I need is praise, flattery, and potassium in the form of bananas.

Jarod Kintz

I want to go to Sing Sing prison. I’ll bet they’ve got a good chorus.

Jarod Kintz

I need to dig a hole the size of the Grand Canyon to bury all of my problems.

Jarod Kintz

An invisible wall of super condensed jelly would make a great shield to stop bullets and sarcasm.

Jarod Kintz

If you ask me a multiple part question, and half my answers are yes and half are no, I may just average them together and give you a definitive and vague maybe.

Jarod Kintz

Love is a thunderstorm, and I am the desert.

Jarod Kintz

Thanks, but my name is Gracias.

Jarod Kintz

I just realized my reality, and I’d like to say No Thanks. I’m going back to sleep.

Jarod Kintz

I asked her if she’d give me all her love, and she flatly said no. I got excited because while she said she wouldn’t give me all her love, she said nothing about not wanting to give me some of her love.

Jarod Kintz

I would rather build a relationship than a wall. Can you pass me another brick?

Jarod Kintz

The two lovers were inseparable. Well, I guess death could split them up. So could Ryan Gosling, because she has a thing for him. So does he, matter of fact.

Jarod Kintz

I broke down when we broke up, but I didn’t break in to her house just to break out of my routine.

Jarod Kintz

I put tin foil on our relationship and stuck it in the fridge, because it needed to cool down a bit.

Jarod Kintz

What would people say about me? They would say I’m an enjoyable guy to be around. At least I’d hope they’d say that. If they didn’t say that, I suppose I’d have to strangle them.

Jarod Kintz

You have to slow down with this woman, because the moment she slows down and stops, she’ll die. She’s like a shark.” That’s what I told Renaldo, but how was I to know his girlfriend was literally a shark?

Jarod Kintz

I want a driveway so long you couldn’t see the end of it even if you were 26.1 miles into running a marathon on it. But why would you run? That’s why my clone will have invented teleportation.

Jarod Kintz

If you put the “rich” in ostrich, I’ll put in the “ost.

Jarod Kintz

I don’t run errands. Usually I jog.

Jarod Kintz

I make love like I sell sausages to strange women. One at a time, and always covered with a condom (to keep the flies away).

Jarod Kintz

In my laboratory, I use science to measure love. Whatever you do, don’t drink out of beaker number two.

Jarod Kintz

They should make blindfolds with circles cut out where the eyes are, so kidnappers would be able to tell when their victims‘ eyes are closed, so their secret locations aren’t revealed.

Jarod Kintz