If you want to bend your mind, don’t use a crowbar.
Scars are proof man isn’t perfect, though constantly getting closer.
I was so focused on my mistake that I made another mistake during the correction of the initial mistake.
I’d rather coin a few words than coin a few quarters, nickels, or dimes.
I’ll give you money to buy what I’m selling, because I’m a savvy salesman.
I could write from anywhere, including the moon, provided I had a pencil and not a pen.
4 am—if I’m ever up that early, it’s because I’m up that late.
I listen to AM radio in the AM, and AM radio for an AM audience in my PM (though it comes from the other side of the world). It’s all morning all the time for me. Sometimes I even listen to FM in the AM, but never FM and AM in the AM or PM.
Aside from the fact that you’re not my son, and I’m not a woman, do you think I’m a good mother?
I carry a little plastic tub with me, and I put my most valuable possessions in them—my means of travel, which are my feet. I soak them, sometimes for hours, while I watch a movie in the theater.
If love played an instrument, I’ll bet it would be the piano. 88 keys, double infinity, and the ability to chop down trees with a sharpened mustache.
I make music like I make love—in a group. OK, so I’m not in a band, and I sing alone in the shower.
At the end of the universe you’ll find a door labeled “Do Not Enter.” No great mysteries are hidden there—it’s just a supplies closet.
I’m going outside to get a breath of fresh air. Anybody got a cigarette I can have?
I’m the Robert the Bruce of Bruces. I’m also the Robert the Bruce of Roberts.
On the frozen tundra, I milked a cow and pumped out ice cream. Strangely, it had chunks of strawberries in it.
Today is Wednesday. That makes it my Wednesday. It also makes Tuesday my Monday.
Call me Bitter Otter. It’s just a nickname I gave myself. However, a better descriptive and more realistic name for myself would be Tangy Walrus.
You’re under no obligation to accept my oppression, but it is strongly recommended. I’ll make you love me, even if I have to impoverish you and then imprison you. –Uncle Sam
I drive by the spot of my injury, because each time I do, the pain lessens, and it teaches me a lesson.
I’ve lived in Jacksonville for—not sure, I get Jacksonville and Paris mixed up. I’ve never been to Paris.
