Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

People can only grow, stagnate, or regress. Which one are you doing? I’m both growing and stagnating, because I’m learning every day, so I’m growing, but since learning has become a habit and I do it all the time, I’m technically stagnating. ...

Jarod Kintz

Are you an Is there? or a There isn’t! kind of person? I’m more of an Is there isn’t? kind of guy.

Jarod Kintz

There’s truth in only having a bicycle seat. I used to skip class and just hold it out in the hallway. When teachers would ask me what I was doing, I’d hold it up and say, “Sorry I’m late.

Jarod Kintz

When the lights are about to burn out and start flickering, it’s like I’m blinking without blinking.

Jarod Kintz

Ears of corn can listen better than me when they’re still in the ground.

Jarod Kintz

I’m so excited and lonely all at once. Just once. Not twice, because that’d be a couple, and couple’s can’t be lonely.


Jarod Kintz

I skimmed the pond scum with a spoon like broth in a soup bowl. Why does everything have to remind me of her?

Jarod Kintz

The moment I heard her name I fell in love. Of course I fell in love with the wrong name, so I made her legally change her name to match that of my love interest.

Jarod Kintz

I keep my love in the trunk. And I drive slowly over speed bumps, so she doesn’t bump her head around.

Jarod Kintz

Robots don’t make better lovers, but Roberts do.

Jarod Kintz

Watching two cows have sex is the most magical experience at Cereal Land.

Jarod Kintz

His last name was Morris, but I called him Mars, because it’s like he was from another planet, like Venus. He was a cross dresser.

Jarod Kintz

I put the men in mental. Well, me and my clones do. Alone I just put in the man.

Jarod Kintz

I’ll flick a penny to the dirt, and if I see one on the ground I won’t pick it up. So why is .99 cents so much sexier than a dollar?

Jarod Kintz

Everybody thinks they’re a prophet. They must, or nobody would get married. Or maybe at a 50% divorce rate, only half the people are fortune tellers. Probably the men.

Jarod Kintz

Alzheimer’s is the cleverest thief, because she not only steals from you, but she steals the very thing you need to remember what’s been stolen.

Jarod Kintz

The rivers are my memory, and I drink them at their basin and remember.

Jarod Kintz

I have a memory like a baseball glove, so please, don’t toss me a basketball-sized rumination.

Jarod Kintz

The event happened on my birthday. I don’t remember the date, I only know it was my birthday because there was no cake or presents.

Jarod Kintz

Price per man has shot up, because so many men were shot up that we need many more men.

Jarod Kintz

I threw out my sausage, and replaced it with a healthier penis metaphor, like a cucumber.

Jarod Kintz