Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

It occurs to me to devise mental tests on myself to see if I am who I think I am, but then I think, “I am who I think I am, or I probably am, and a test I conceive and answer about myself isn’t a way to test if I’m another person pretending to ...

Jarod Kintz

Love rules the world. Like a tyrant.


Jarod Kintz

My stomach’s upset. I must have accidentally said something to insult it.

Jarod Kintz

It’s not true I think all politicians are morons. Morons are far too intelligent to be politicians.

Jarod Kintz

Don’t be jealous if I spend 50% of my time with you, and 50% of my time with others, because you get 100% of 50%, while all the others have to share that other 50%.” This is the speech I’ve prepared to tell my wife in the future, when I’m spe...

Jarod Kintz

Before I make you boss, I want to tattoo “Assistant” around your asshole.

Jarod Kintz

The passenger door was wide open, nobody was around, and a purse was inside. Was this a trap? It seemed too good to be true. Temptation overtook me, so I reached in the car, popped the trunk, and closed myself in. Boy, the owner of the car was sure i...

Jarod Kintz

I’m in danger of losing my job as official scribe to my inner voice.

Jarod Kintz

The cool thing about unemployment is every day is Saturday.

Jarod Kintz

It’s better to err on the side of more, than less, except if you’re talking about killing people with the last name of Moore.

Jarod Kintz

She had two lips like strawberries, and the seeds gave her kisses texture. I preferred kissing her over two scoops of vanilla ice cream.

Jarod Kintz

Don’t kiss in public, unless it’s midnight and you’re both wearing black so nobody can see you’re naked.


Jarod Kintz

I kiss like a skyscraper meets the sky, only with less scraping and more vertigo.

Jarod Kintz

I would have kissed her goodnight, but it was six in the morning.

Jarod Kintz

All I know is I don’t know if I know, and this everlasting oscillation shakes my belief system.

Jarod Kintz

I put the “now” in knowledge. Well, I will put it there, probably tomorrow or tomorrow’s tomorrow.


Jarod Kintz

English isn’t my first language—gibberish is.

Jarod Kintz

There should be a language called Nail, so I could more naturally say, “My nail is a bit rusty.

Jarod Kintz

Everybody knows love is a universal language, but not many people know it only has 22 letters. Love can say more with 22 letters than English can with 26.

Jarod Kintz

I picked up a new language a few months ago. It was just laying on the ground, dirty, so I scooped it up and popped it in my mouth.

Jarod Kintz

I speak the language of love. That’s right, I speak Russian.

Jarod Kintz