I’m a combat specialist and marriage counselor.
The headline read, Man Saves Child From Burning House, and I just have to ask: Why did that kid want to burn down the house?
Never spontaneously combust alone, or without a bag of marshmallows nearby.
I thought it was a tree log, but it was just an erect elephant penis. But that didn’t stop me from trying to throw it on the campfire.
There are an infinite number of reasons to say no. Instead, try to focus on one good reason to say yes.
I can’t fly with one wing. But I can’t go hungry either, and I already ate both the legs, the breasts, and the other wing.
Do I look like someone you know? Well you don’t know me, so why don’t you go bother my clone? And if you do see my clone, tell him I should have made an omelet out of him when I had the chance.
Forget food for thought. Give me food for my belly.
When trying to find the words to tell her how much I loved her, I stumbled across the ingredients for grilled cheese sandwiches. That’s when I realized she was the melted cheese to my toast. And the guy she’s currently seeing, the guy she left me...
I brush my teeth with a leg of fried chicken, and gravy is my toothpaste.
She had blonde hair like spaghetti noodles, and then she went and dyed it marinara. But I loved her like I enjoy all-you-can-eat pasta buffets.
Candy is full of taste. But so is shit, because taste is full of smell.
The radio signal was scrambled, and so were my eggs. I got tired of eating commercial breaks for breakfast.
I like to get to-go boxes at restaurants where not only did I not eat in, but apparently their patrons didn’t either, judging by how much food they left on their plates.
There’s fool’s gold—pyrite—and then there’s fool’s gold—gold owned by idiots willing to trade it for worthless dollars.
I was laughing in the park, when I saw some fool throwing what I thought was a bomb. It turned out to be a Frisbee, and that’s why I say he was a fool. What kind of terrorist throws a Frisbee?
The only time I can throw 80 yards is when my football-shaped alarm clock goes off in the morning.
One of the most productive ways a government can spend money on the people is by building more prisons. That’s what makes the US so great. That’s what freedom is all about.
I had to close the door on our friendship, because he kept climbing in through my window.
One scoop of ice cream can go a long way. Not to mending friendships, but it can get up to 40 yards in the air if you lob it just right.
We had some good fun together, didn’t we? That’s why I’m sorry to say I’m going to have to kill you.
