To treat everyone equally is offensive, because it fails to recognize anyone as an individual.
A woman in a box—a great gift for the husband who has everything.
A triangle has three points, just like the number of horns my ex had (she was 50% more evil than Satan).
If there are two clones, one good and one evil, I can’t kill on sight alone. It’s the same with love. Some love hurts, and some love elevates, but as to which one is which, they are two sides to the same sandwich.
You can’t help who your parents are or aren’t. My parents aren’t—they don’t exist and have never existed.
My expectations are sky low, because I’m standing on a mountaintop.
I would say exploit the stupid, because they’re expendable and loyal, but it’s a fact: politicians are not loyal.
I have failed, and I should bury my failure. I need a trowel (it was a small failure).
If I had a street named after me, it would really put me on the map.
I’m an only child, so logically I gave birth to my parents, because if it weren’t for me they wouldn’t be parents at all, they’d simply be a married couple. (Or maybe without me they wouldn’t even have been married!)
I wanted a ponytail for my 16th birthday, but daddy never bought me one. He thought that not only would I not be able to ride it, but it would also be unsuitable for a young lady to be a young man.
I don’t like to celebrate my birthday, because I don’t like taking credit for others’ work—in this case, my mom and dad. Or possibly my mom and the mailman.
When the food runs out, the family reunion is over. It’s cool that out of all my relatives, I’m the only cannibal.
My two parents represent the single greatest influence on my life. And if my dad had been there for me, it would be the double greatest influence on my life.
I like remembering her as she was—a fantasy of the future.
This book does not exist. And if that doesn’t deter you from buying it, then I’m also selling frozen alien flesh, a patch of Bigfoot’s fur, and a patch of land on Pluto (limit one per customer).
Before job interviews, I think: What color tie best represents me as a person this company would be interested in?
Black clothing makes me look skinnier. If I wear all black at night, and turn out the lights, I look so skinny that I disappear.
Sounds have smells. Your father smells, and he’s noisy.
Sometimes I feel I’m just doing a poor impression of a person. Maybe I feel this way because I have no money.
I let the feeling wash over me, and then I dried off with a fur coat and went for a walk on my unicycle.
