Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

The best part about love is it’ll still be around long after I’m dead. That’s also the worst part.

Jarod Kintz

-Is he dead?
 -Gosh I hope so, because I went to a lot of trouble to dig his grave.

Jarod Kintz

The spirit is tied to the brain—for the brain makes us who we are. So if our spirit lives after death, so too does our intelligence and personality.

Jarod Kintz

My life outlook isn’t cloudy. That’s just the weather report for the rest of my life.

Jarod Kintz

Every morning I think: What’s the latest I can sleep in ‘til, and still be on time for work? Well, I used to think that, before unemployment turned every day into a Saturday.

Jarod Kintz

-I’m looking for a man—
 -There are several suspects in Topeka, Ks. that match that description. Why don’t you try there first?

Jarod Kintz

Designing an airplane and modeling it after an ostrich is a stretch, but I’ve always been flexible.

Jarod Kintz

I am the bathtub of desire, but damnit woman, I saw you eyeing that swimming pool.

Jarod Kintz

I’d eat a mosquito to satisfy my hunger for an itch.

Jarod Kintz

Divorce is the second worst event in a person’s life. The worst event, of course, is marriage.

Jarod Kintz

We were getting a divorce. But not from each other. Then we were going to get married. But not to each other.

Jarod Kintz

I want to get married, but first I’ll have to get a divorce.

Jarod Kintz

A pile of hairy towels is not a passable substitute for a dog.

Jarod Kintz

I’d like a doggy bag to take home my leftover grilled canine burger.

Jarod Kintz

Back when I was a competitive swimmer, I used to dream of going to the Olympics. But then I changed my mind, once I found out how expensive the tickets are.

Jarod Kintz

Then he cocked his head to the side, arched his left eyebrow like a drawbridge, and said, “I am you in the future.” The only thing sillier than a clone, is a dream clone.

Jarod Kintz

I go to sleep in my business suit, because it makes my dreams of success seem more real.

Jarod Kintz

I boasted that I bested the best, and I did. I beat my clone. In my dream, of course, but who cares? It’s still a victory.

Jarod Kintz

Economist should be spelled echonomist, because they all repeat each other.

Jarod Kintz

Last year, millions of students didn’t graduate from high school. They didn’t drop out, they were simply in elementary and middle schools.

Jarod Kintz

In the middle I want to be at the end, at the end I want to be in the beginning, and in the beginning I want to be in bed.

Jarod Kintz