It’s easier to pick apart what is, than put together what isn’t.
I remember I laughed so hard I cried. But my response was half appropriate, because I was at a funeral.
Love is like a door knob that I’ve mistaken for a shower handle, and I’m trying to turn up the heat on our relationship, but the handle won’t turn and I’ve got shampoo in my eyes and my wetsuit is dry and I started crying just as the zookeepe...
Unless I’m at a wedding, I don’t like veiled threats.
I put the “Dan” in Danger. I’m sorry, Dan.
I wear a helmet when I write, because if you’re doing it right, writing is dangerous.
A banana is not a pistol. Still, please don’t point one at me.
-Hey, neighbor, is your wife free for a date today? -No, I’m taking her out this afternoon? -Great! Then you won’t mind if I come over and mow your lawn. Sucker!
Speed dating is great, because when that bell rings, I drool like Pavlov’s dog.
When I’m asleep I’m a politician, and when I’m awake I’m a criminal. Throughout the day and night, my mentality never changes.
After I’m dead, I want to ghostwrite my autobiography.
The living have love for the dead, but the dead have no love for the living. I ought to know, because I’d like the steak—medium rare—mashed potatoes, green beans, and a salad on the side. And some rolls and butter would be great, thanks. Separa...
With six pieces of wood, I’m building a life, and my coffin.
When your family dies, that’s a bummer, but that’s life. When my family dies, it’s a tragedy and the world is unbalanced and biased.
Does Ziploc make body bags? I’ll bet the corpses would stay fresher for longer if they did.
Jarod Kintz Day—it’s not just my birthday, but it should be a holiday that’s mandatory to celebrate, punishable by death if you don’t. It’ll be a holiday that honors freedom.
We can be anything we want to be in this life. And I’d like to be you. But there can’t be two of us, so I’m afraid you’ll have to be eliminated. You have become redundant.
More Americans died in WWII than in any other world war, with the possible exception of WWI.
If I could die saving two lives, I would, provided each of those two people were the kind of people who would die to save two more like them.
The police made sure he wasn’t dead. Then they killed him.
Just one simple word choice directed at me can throw me into a bad mood and make me believe there’s tension between us. That one simple word is “die.
