My name is Awesome Amazing. My middle name is Lee.
When someone looks at something they don’t understand and they say, “That could be a good thing, or that could be a bad thing,” they’re just highlighting the fact that they have no clue what they are talking about. Everything in the universe,...
I watch baseball on TV like my cat watches the window. Somebody open the blinds so we can see better!
I saw her standing across the room, and I thought, “Wow! Who is that sexy woman she’s standing next to?
She looked like the kind of woman I could fall in love with. Trouble is, she was standing next to the kind of woman I’d like to make love to.
I have a stalker, a beautiful one: the sunset. Every day she’s there, watching me, whether I watch her or not.
-Do you see that? -Yeah, what is it? -That’s the truth. -How can you tell it’s the truth? -Because it’s ugly.
If you had a clone, and you weren’t wearing perfume and your clone was, I’d automatically think your clone was more attractive.
I notice when you’re gone. With you not being there I notice your unbeing, with you still being a being in time but not my space.
I have the worst kind of history—a non history. I wasn’t born poor, oppressed, rich, famous, or any other such extreme. I was born in the middle, and I desperately want to hide it.
Be like a sparrow aspiring to be an ostrich, and I’ll be like a cowboy with no horse looking for a speedy land runner to ride.
Maybe one day I could fly all over the world and meet other interesting birds.
It’s my birthday, who could be calling me? Probably my clone, wondering why he hasn’t been born yet.
Agatha told me she was late, and I thought, I haven’t slept with her in years—she really must be late. I’m going to be a father!
I was born with a lazy eye. It didn’t define me as a person. It did, however, define me as a voyeur.
Mosquito snobs sit on STOP signs trying to get out all the red.
I’m the sort of guy who will accept blame, if it means being singled out as honest and honorable, and there’s a chance I’ll be rewarded.
The police seemed to think I killed her, which is crazy, because I loved her like a thousand drops of blood dripping down a dagger.
If I had chlorophyll instead of blood, I’d have ivy in my IV (not Roman numeral four).
My name is a half an hour early, but my body is on time.
I’m in good shape. That shape is round.
