Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

What do you call a schooner in a wine glass? Port.

Jarod Kintz

I just made ice cream. Accidentally. I made regular cream, and then winter kicked in.

Jarod Kintz

When Jed comes in and gives you that look where his forehead wrinkles up and his chin drops so low that his baggy eyes can't even look you square in your eyes, well, I guess you realize that it must be your turn to get out into the winter snow and ro...

Jarod Kintz

I rearranged the letters of the word “Wisdom” and got “swimod.” Afterwards I felt like I was drowning in foolishness.

Jarod Kintz

He has wisdom beyond his years. He’s 87-years-old, and he’s at least as wise as an 88-year-old.

Jarod Kintz

I gather wisdom like a net gathers fish. And the more fish I get in my net, the more I feel like a chicken.

Jarod Kintz

If I had three magic wishes, I’d use the first wish for one more, to replace the one I just wasted wishing for something I already had.

Jarod Kintz

He wouldn’t even understand dry wit if you dropped him off in the desert with a canteen full of sand and a Sandberg poem.

Jarod Kintz

If a woman says she got a bad haircut, and I agree with her, am I being agreeable, or an asshole?

Jarod Kintz

I had to stop selling stick-figure portraits of women at the beach, after too many customers complained I was making them look “too fat.

Jarod Kintz

I like my spaghetti like I like my women. All over my shirt.

Jarod Kintz

Women love to talk. I'll bet Van Gogh had a woman. And I'll bet she talked his ear off.

Jarod Kintz

About money-grubbing women, here’s my stance: Bring on the gold diggers. I’ve got nothing to offer but pyrite.

Jarod Kintz

I treat women like royalty. But not from a Bolshevik perspective.

Jarod Kintz

I don’t care about being cool. I just want to be loved by half the world (100% of the female population).

Jarod Kintz

If you’re wondering how I’ll ask you how you’re doing, the answer is silently and invisibly. My love is often overlooked, like a midget behind a counter.

Jarod Kintz

Obviousism—I would give you a definition, but the definition would only be an example of the word.

Jarod Kintz

I loved all the words in his book—just not in the order he arranged them, or the frequency with which he used them. To improve his work, I’d combine the words in a different way to form new sentences and new ideas. But other than hating the whole...

Jarod Kintz

Her mouth contorted, and the wrinkles around her lips were like the dunes of a frosted cupcake. And I just wanted to lick her living word machine (mouth).

Jarod Kintz

Your words are energy. If you don’t speak them, then you will drink them. Swallow that thought, but do not gargle it.


Jarod Kintz

Words failed me at the precise moment I thought I was passing my vocabulary test, and I can’t tell you how that made me feel. At the time, I thought I felt, well, I couldn’t tell you without my cheat sheet. What seemed obviate to me then, now see...

Jarod Kintz