The dolphin is a mammal, but it can’t walk. However, it can hitchhike.
From where I live now I can walk to the beach, if I have about three weeks.
A one-winged bird does not fly south for the winter. It flies south, west, north, and east, over and over. That’s how I feel when I’m in love, only I walk.
He’s going to give me a piggyback ride home. He’s my designated walker.
Thanks to my grandpa, I can go to France and not be visiting Germany. He single-handedly won WWII (he only has one hand).
Instead of selling other countries weapons, we should sell them candles. Maybe then instead of singing the praises of war, they’d start singing Happy Birthday. And I don’t know anybody, not even my bully of an uncle, Uncle Sam, who wants to start...
If pens doubled as bullets, I bet few writers would want to write about war.
I call my thumb Napoleon, because I rarely ever lose a thumb war. Also because my thumb's so small, and I wear a tiny funny hat and cape on it.
Make pizza, not war. No matter how you slice it, that’s wise.
If my name were Nubby Blues, I wouldn't be a jazz musician, I'd be a disabled Vietnam vet on welfare.
My love grew wings—and flapped away from me. I watched as it flew right into the arms deal of the century. Only the Russians would be crazy enough to use something as dangerous as love in a war.
War is not a homemade product. You make it at someone else’s house. If you’ve got the eggs, flour, milk, sugar, oil, and gold, then I’ll bring the guns. Be expecting me at 8:00, because I plan on surprising you early.
I spoke the word “moo” into a glass of water, hoping to change the structure of each water molecule into the shape of a cow. I felt like drinking a steak.
If somebody pushed you down a well, I’d rush over and toss you a bucket, because I’m fucking thirsty.
I drink special water, because not all water is equal. Some water is smarter and taller and more handsome than other water.
I’m as deadly as a marine, when compared to marine plant life. It took lots of water, sunlight, and standing still to get this badass.
Water is like love, but love is not like water. No, because if it were, I’d be the camel of love.
How To Tweeze Your Way To Wealth, by I. Brows
I want a trophy wife, because the only thing I’ve ever won is a fourth-place ribbon in the fourth grade. I’d treat her well, and I wouldn’t let her get too dusty on the shelf.
I’m winning over fans every day. They’re not my fans, but at least they’re losing and I’m winning.
I didn’t win a championship, but I did pop some champagne bottles—and a few locks. Why bother training when you can just steal the trophy?
