I’ve just begun to scratch the surface of my talent, and boy does my talent itch. It’s like a red mosquito bite the size of Mars.
My streak of breaking sticks was snapped when I couldn’t snap the twig. So instead I snapped my fingers. And I discovered I have some real musical talent, so I’m hoping to audition to be featured in the next Addams Family theme song.
I’m tired of talking. I want you to extract my thoughts through my nostrils.
I am greedy with water. I made your apology tea dry. I’m sorry. You might try snorting it out of the bag.
I’m a student of life. My own. So I’m also my own teacher.
If you supplied me a tissue, I wouldn’t need it because I wouldn’t feel like crying. But if you withhold it, you’ll make me sad and you’ll make me cry, thus causing me to need the very thing you won’t give me. So if you give it to me, I won...
I think someone should invent an edible remote control, to go along with TV dinners.
On a clear day I can see NYC. I just have to turn on the TV.
I think I have a strange thing growing out of my neck that causes me to think too much.
If counting is thinking, then the longest I’ve ever thought about any one subject continuously for is 127, 983 seconds. I might have also been in love, though I was too distracted to notice.
Thoughtlessness—I try not to think about it.
I once met a man who couldn't think outside of the box. So one day, while he was thinking, I taped the box shut and mailed him to Maine. UPS reported that the box was missing, so I guess he's still lost in thought.
I’ve got better things to think about than thoughtlessness.
Before work I like to relax and collect my thoughts. That’s why I carry a wicker basket. So it’s no wonder that I fell in love with Sigourney Weaver. I often ponder aliens, working girls, and eyewitnesses.
If the word "committee" were an acronym, the two "T"s would stand for time travel. How else can a group waste so much time unless they feel they can always go back and retrieve it?
If I only had five minutes left to live, I’d only be half as alarmed as normal, because my watch is five minutes fast. And I can get a lot done in 10 minutes.
I want to steal 100 years. If I get caught, it’ll be the trial of the century.
What I’m doing is not doing anything, and I’m doing a half-ass job.
If I started yesterday, I’d be a master of tomorrow.
Five minutes ago it was five minutes late, and my watch is five minutes slow.
I’ll write the time on my wrist, and I’ll cover it up by wearing a watch.
