Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

When asked about sex, she said she had a headache. I said I have a pill for that. It’s called a Viagra, & I’d be willing to take it for her.

Jarod Kintz

It was a dumb mistake, sleeping with her, and I learned from the experience. Still, I’d gladly make the same mistake tonight if she calls.

Jarod Kintz

I used to want to be a missionary, but I don’t believe that’d be the best position for me to be in.

Jarod Kintz

Last night my girl and I were knocking boots, but it won’t happen tonight, because earlier today I went out and bought a doorbell.

Jarod Kintz

I’m the Director of Redundancy. I’m also the Director. I make love like I make love, and that is why I am the Director of Redundancy.

Jarod Kintz

Too much nudity is a turn off. Especially if all that flesh is on one person.

Jarod Kintz

Would a suit of armor make women feel as invincible as a sexy pair of shoes?

Jarod Kintz

I thought she was sexy until I noticed she had a beard.

Jarod Kintz

Sexy isn’t my middle name. Lust-factory is, with the hyphen.

Jarod Kintz

If love tasted like pork, and you were allergic to Francis Bacon, could I be your Shakespeare? We could make love on a pizza and make much ado about nothing, everything, anything, something.

Jarod Kintz

I’ve felt alone, cold, and clothed in shame for too long. Let the sunlight be my blanket, wardrobe, and toilet paper.

Jarod Kintz

I did something so stupid last night that I can’t even speak about it today. I took a vow of silence.

Jarod Kintz

Silence is golden, and gold is up these days, so silence is a solid investment.

Jarod Kintz

I would eat my soup in silence, but it’s alphabet soup. They’re all capital letters and they are shouting at me. I’m not anorexic or illiterate, so alphabet soup is like a nourishing novel. An anorexic should make a suicide note out of the lett...

Jarod Kintz

I said it unto him who isn’t, and he wisely said nothing. Sometimes saying nothing is saying more than enough.

Jarod Kintz

In complete silence you can’t hear a thing. Just ask a deaf person—but ask them with your fingers.

Jarod Kintz

I don’t trust mutes. By their silence, I wonder what they’re hiding. The lost Templar treasure, mysteries of the universe, my love for you—who knows what they could have hidden away.

Jarod Kintz

Look down and you may miss a shooting star in the sky. Look up and you may miss a starfish in the sand. But quick, look straight ahead and tell me what is that big, blurry thing that’s so bright? Oh yeah, that’s my love for you.

Jarod Kintz

I oft go to a loft aloft in the sky. I go alone, because I enjoy the company of a lofty intellect.

Jarod Kintz

My uncle missed the sixties. Not because he was too young. He just simply slept through them.

Jarod Kintz

I invented an invisible machine to help you get to sleep. It only works after your eyes stay shut for a length of time. It’s also so quiet that you won’t hear it.

Jarod Kintz