Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

If I had a vulva, I’d let you drive it like a Volvo. It’s all about safety. You could probably park on the street, but you might get a ticket.

Jarod Kintz

I don’t need to actually make my product safer. All I need to do to make it safe is put a warning label on the package.

Jarod Kintz

If I tell you I want to be a door-to-door salesman, don’t knock it.


Jarod Kintz

I’m a door-to-door salesman. I sell doors. If I can’t knock on yours, because you don’t have a door to knock on, I know you’ll be interested in what I’m selling.

Jarod Kintz

Things I’ve learned the hard way: #1) When you’re making a door-to-door sales pitch, make sure your shorts aren’t so short that your dick dangles out of them.

Jarod Kintz

The best way to sell a car is to first try to sell them an airplane, then a horse, and then finally bring up the newest model automobile you have for sale.

Jarod Kintz

50% of sales are going to come from women buying it for men, but where are the other 50% in sales going to come from? Mars. The thing I’m selling? Love. Supplies are unlimited, and free, so hurry and buy today.

Jarod Kintz

People hear the word “sales” and it scares them. But sales is nothing more than developing a relationship. A good salesman knows the relationship must be balanced and symbiotic—both parties must feel that what they received is equal to what the...

Jarod Kintz

I don’t think he’s good with people because he’s a salesman—I think he’s a salesman because he’s good with people.

Jarod Kintz

I ate Satan, and then shit out a snake.

Jarod Kintz

In 50 years, I’m going to tell my grandchildren, “Back when I was growing up we didn’t have teleportation devices. We actually had to walk to school. In the snow. And shoes hadn’t even been invented yet.

Jarod Kintz

I went to school to be a comedian. I was always cracking jokes in class. And after they were cracked, the teacher would try to put them back together.

Jarod Kintz

When I was growing up, I’d walk to school in the snow. In Florida. Uphill all three ways.

Jarod Kintz

I’m so old school I’m like a one-room schoolhouse—with no bathroom. I always keep it classy.

Jarod Kintz

While I've never read Scientific American, I'll bet it is pretty scientific. And American. Just like those prehistoric cave drawings in the south of France.

Jarod Kintz

The fields of science are full of crop circles that can't yet be explained by scientific means.

Jarod Kintz

I know the secret number of the universe. It’s one, for the individual in search of the secret number. But the secret itself is love, and lies outside of one.

Jarod Kintz

We have no secrets from each other, though sometimes I wish some things were more hidden. What’s more transparent than invisible?

Jarod Kintz

I have bread, water, and love—what more can a man ask for? How about pasta, wine, and sex.

Jarod Kintz

I am going to think of you every time I don't have sex. So that'll mean I'll always be thinking of you.

Jarod Kintz

I like make-up sex. I find cosmetics so erotic.

Jarod Kintz