18 is like two snoozes back to back, or the birthday of two clones, blindfolded, standing back to back.
My internal voice raised its decibel level. Sam O. Same
If you can listen to or read anything, but misspelled words offend you, raise your hadn.
Some words are invisible—namely spoken words—but that only means I read them with my ears. But people are rude, and they often speak to me when I’m trying to read.
When people say they don’t read, I always wonder if they don’t because they can’t or because they won’t. Then I think, what’s the difference? Either way they are ignorant.
My advice is to write during commercial breaks, and read while your favorite TV show is on mute.
Before bed I do a bit of light reading. I’m reading a 50-pound book on midgets.
My grandpa never read the newspaper. Not because he was particularly optimistic, but because he was illiterate. He taught me to read by watching TV.
The rumor is that my cousin dates phoenix sculptures made out of cheese. It has to be true, because it's too weird not to be. Also, consider the evidence. He lives in Wisconsin and does not own a microwave. It's the kind of thing you wish to read abo...
I read trash. Empty cereal boxes, empty shampoo bottles, the bottoms of empty Kleenex boxes, and occasionally even a mystical self-help book.
Why watch reality TV when I can just open my blinds and look out my window to all the reality I can handle?
Even a broken mirror isn’t broken if it allows you to see who you really are—cracked down the middle in your duality.
I want to find myself as a person, and I’ve enlisted the help of my clone to aid me in this. It’s like finding Waldo, except I’m only half wearing the red and white sweater, because I’m only half-finished knitting it.
I’ll watch the Final Four when there are three teams playing at once for two titles and one large bag of regrets. That bag is mostly full of air, like a bag of potato chips, only harder to chew.
I remember the first time we made love like it was the second time. We never made love again, and I don’t regret it for a second.
Getting a rejection letter from a place you’ve been thinking about is bad enough, but how shitty do I feel getting a rejection letter from some place I don’t even remember applying to? That’s like a homeless person walking up to me and saying, ...
I went to Hallmark, but they don’t sell corridors there. I did, however, find a card that perfectly summed up our relationship. The card was blank.
Me and Ruth minus Ruth leaves me Ruthless—and makes me ruthless.
I find wisdom in the waves. Goodbye is a hello to a life without you.
I have women all over the world. In New York, London, Los Angeles. I think what they find most appealing about me is the distance.
And the next morning, after a night of passionate sex, I said those three little words I knew she’d been waiting to hear: woman, I’m hungry.
