I used to think that Satan and all the fallen angels were the most evil beings in the universe. Now I think it’s absurd and naïve to think that. Oh, Satan exists, but he’s a puppy dog compared to politicians and lobbyists.
Is it any wonder that war is senseless? It’s started by politicians. As a class, politicians have no class, and even less sense.
I like glad-handing, because I hate handshakes that are sad. That’s why I’d make a great politician—because I wouldn’t shake hands with a lobbyist.
My love life is modeled after being muddled. I have a relationship like the one between you and your elected official—and your elected official and the lobbyists.
When I burp I’m not just pushing polluted air into the world—no, I’m espousing my belief on the true nature of politicians.
Don’t try to pull the wool over my eyes. You can’t fool an old sheep like me. To prove it, I’ll tell you that I’ve been continuously voting for the same person for president for years and years, a few of them even before he died.
You shit sheep shapes, and I shit wolves as brown as bark. It’s all politics.
Jarod Kintz is a friend, a lover, and a loner. Jarod Kintz talks about Jarod Kintz, because Jarod Kintz has nobody else to talk to. Jarod Kintz is also a liar and a thief, and that’s why I think he’d make a great politician.
I’m tired, and I just want to take a nap. But I want some good sleep, so does anybody know where I can go take in a political speech?
My brakes sound like my horn, and my car’s bumper is bumpy enough to be brail. My ideal reader would be a speed-reading blind politician I didn’t vote for.
If a policy isn’t working, don’t change the policy—change its name. That should be taught in Politics 101.
I stayed up all night making love—to myself. That reminds me, I need to buy some more Jell-O and political biographies.
How do you run with confidence and insulation?” Orafoura asked me. ”I don’t know,” I replied, “asbestos you can.” “No,” he replied. “You run for political office, insulated from the consequences that actions incur in the real world.
I always lift both lids of the toilet seat before I pee. Then I sit down while tinkling. If you think that’s crazy, then you haven’t seen a Florida gubernatorial debate.
I put all my eggs in one basket, and then I jizzed all over them. I'm a natural politician.
Would you mind terribly if instead of serving desert, I masturbated quietly at the dinner table? I’m training for Congress.
Don’t be alarmed by the flashing lights and the sirens you can’t see or hear. Just keep your blindfold on, your earplugs in, and keep driving way over the speed limit. You are in control of the US economy, and we are still proud we voted for you.
It’s not gay to jack off, so how could it be gay to give your clone a handjob? If anything, it’s on-the-job training for a political career.
Nobody is either honest or dishonest. Life is a gradient, and a saint might be an 8.7, and a dirtbag politician might be a 1.2. Interestingly, piss and shit are numerically represented by 1 and 2, so I think it’s a perfect number to represent a pol...
How to grow up slowly and secretly, not all at once like lunch in a condom, that is the essence of politics. But I don’t vote for dicks.
Like a spy, I planted a bug. Like a farmer, I watched it grow into a politician that more than half the people chose not to step on.
