Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

A brown blanket could be used in place of chocolate frosting on a cake, and since nobody will want to eat it, you’ll be left with more cake for yourself.  

Jarod Kintz

A brick has ten holes in two rows lining the center—perfect so that you and nine of your friends can each stick your little dicks in the brick after a few beers. 

Jarod Kintz

A blanket can be a meditation device. If the blanket is white, and you stare at it, you can blank out your mind and find peace within yourself. 

Jarod Kintz

A blanket, when taken to the top of a mountain and laid flat, could be painted orange and used as a landing pad for when the aliens come to earth to save humanity. The only problem is, with it being painted orange, what if the construction workers ar...

Jarod Kintz

A blanket could be used as a screen to project animated bedtime stories onto, and also a place to project your fears about society not being accepting of adults who watch movies directed at an audience of four-year-olds. Trust me, I’ve been there�...

Jarod Kintz

A brick is a duplicate. It is a physical copy of the idea for a brick. And what’s the big idea? A brick represents unity, a notion of hey, let’s build something together. Like a house, for example. And after you help me build my house, I’ll use...

Jarod Kintz

A brick is blocking my urethra. But it’s not painful, because my penis is just that big.  Oh yes, it’s as big as this lie is. 

Jarod Kintz

A football could be swapped out for a brick, to make family reunion football games more fun. But I’m calling it right now: I get to be quarterback. 

Jarod Kintz

A blanket could be made of tuna fish skin, which would go well with my cottage cheese thighs. 

Jarod Kintz

A brick could replace the cardboard bill on a baseball cap. On a windy day, no gust will knock your hat off. 

Jarod Kintz

I could inject a brick in each of my butt cheeks and then be like ancient Greece: a ruin. Only, I’d ask my gay dance partner, “R u in?” 

Jarod Kintz

I have a fist like a brick, but I don’t punch through walls—I build them and become them.  

Jarod Kintz

The word “Building” makes a completed structure seem under construction. Once a building is finished, it should be called a “Built.” Similarly, a brick is complete in and of itself, but it is also a part of the process of building, and a part...

Jarod Kintz

A blanket could be used as a sail for my self-esteem when I’m floating upstream on the turbulent river of my subconscious. Some of my thoughts can be quite windy, gusts with gusto, like a hurricane sneeze in your face. You could also use that blank...

Jarod Kintz

A brick is used to label a missed shot in basketball. However, a better term to call a missed shot, or any shot in basketball, would be a “Movado,” because it’s a waste of time. Instead of spending your free time trying to put a ball in a net, ...

Jarod Kintz

A blanket is a coffin, if the cops are after you and you have to dump a body quick. 

Jarod Kintz

A blanket, no matter how thin, could be sliced thinner, and in this way one blanket could be used to keep a multitude of people warm. But not that warm. 

Jarod Kintz

A blanket can be rolled up, much like I roll up my emotions when I listen to political rhetoric. 

Jarod Kintz

A brick could be a breath freshener for a dragon. But so could a mint-flavored baby.  

Jarod Kintz

A blanket could be used as a trap to ensnare two entangled lovers. Using this method is how I found my current girlfriend and my new best guy friend. 

Jarod Kintz

A blanket could be used to show love, by providing warmth, comfort, and an itchiness of desire that cannot be satisfied by a single scratch.  

Jarod Kintz