I want to name my son Justin Case. You know, just in case.
If I had my clone take a test for me, it’s likely I’d misspell my own name. And I’m terrible at remembering people’s names—even if that person is me.
I want to name one of my kids “I’ll-Have-A-Large-Cheeseburger.” That way, when I show up at McDonald's with my kids and the person behind the counter asks me what I want I’ll say, “I’ll-Have-A-Large-Cheeseburger, what do you want?” And ...
Her name is Shelen, and I think she probably has a brother named Helen. He is Helen, a male with a female’s name, but life could be worse. He could be a liar, a thief, and immoral. In other words, Helen could be a politician. And without knowing an...
I think trees should bloom earlier in the spring. They act like they are on a schedule. It’s not like they have anywhere to go.
I love nature. It beats having to flush.
If Twinkies grew on trees, as nature intended, then I would like to irrigate your fertile valley. When we make love, bring your own knitting equipment.
If I had a necklace made out of tiny suns, I’d only wear it at night when you could really see it. Sadly, I don’t have a necklace like that. The closest thing I have is a necklace made out of those glow in the dark stars you stick to bedroom ceil...
I don’t understand the game of Cricket. But I do get the game of Noisy Night Insect.
Guacamole makes an excellent facial cream. It won’t reduce wrinkles, but I’d sure enjoy scraping it off your skin while you sleep, as I munch on nachos as quietly as I can.
My legs are so skinny they’re like arms on a clock. And the stars are like 1-12, if you subtract infinity from the sky first.
The Bronze Age was such a third-place era.
I am the minister in The Ministry of Scarcity, but I’m not ordained because they were out of the paper they use to print the certificates on. Still, the title alone carries some weight (2.2 pounds).
I put a saddle on my salad, and I rode my horseradish to Rhode Island, where I was just in time to be late. I think I left my time zone change in my Arizona iced tea, so all I have to offer you to drink is water that’s been redirected from the Colo...
My book is awful,” I said. “Nonsense,” Dora J. Arod said. “Your book is nonsense.
It’s important that my socks match. I don’t want anything that distracts from my sock puppet show. Quiet, now! Show starts in ten seconds.
I met a man with no forehead and receding eyebrows. He had ketchup crusted on his eyelids. I can't remember what we talked about, I just remember him smelling like chicken feed.
I run a Falconi Four operation out of my garage. If you’re not familiar with Vegas, you wouldn’t know what it is (it originated in Reno during the Falconi Reno Reign of Terror).
Her name was Janice, but I called her Jan because she was born in December—just like Chris T.
It’s hard to maintain dignity while wearing a coat made out of peacock feathers and pants made out of geriatric human flesh. Still, every other weekend, I have to try.
In a recent Gallup poll conducted in France while riding a horse, two out of three sweaty Frenchman (there were only three people surveyed) stated that my armpits are the greatest thing since Louis XVI. Personally, I don't think they are that great. ...
