My math is so fuzzy you should pet it. Four minus two isn’t two, because between two and four minus two is an infinite number of numbers.
It takes maturity and practice and patience to spread chunky peanut butter evenly on crumbly bread.
Maturity doesn’t advance linearly, like you steadily and readily becoming more profound in your thinking. No, it staggers and stumbles like a drunk.
Pineapple juice doesn’t come in a can—it comes in a hard, spiky shell called a pineapple. Pineapples are great and all, but of all things to grow, up is the most profitable.
I cleaned out my belly button last night, and I found the meaning of life. Gosh, I wonder how long it’s been hidden there.
A hotel is a temporary aquarium for people. That’s why I travel with a fishing pole, and erectile dysfunction medicine.
An empty room holds nothing but memories. At least it would, if I didn’t just finish packing up the last of the sadness.
The scent of your asshole smells like childhood memories. I mean it would, if I grew up in New Jersey.
I would take a trip down Memory Lane, but with gas prices sky high, forget about it.
There is one woman I’ve dated I just can’t seem to forget, no matter how much I drink or how many concussions I give myself.
I remember that year as well as he does, though I was really young then and he is really old now. So I had no memory formation then, and he has Alzheimer’s now.
I have a photographic memory. Especially for nudes.
I let go of her memory the moment I let go of her hand. She fell over 500 feet to her death.
Can you tell by where my eyes are looking what I’m thinking? Hint: I’m staring directly at your vagina.
Nipples—men have them, but don’t need them. Men—women have them, but don’t need them. Women—I don’t have them, but I need them. All of them.
Men will tolerate what they are used to, even if it’s intolerance. That’s why I still drink milk, even though I’m lactose intolerant. Mamma didn’t raise no bigot.
I believe men belong in the garage, because that’s where the dog food is stored. And the band is kept there. Auditions start after I move the car.
I’m different than other men in that I’m indifferent to the ins and outs of concave and convex relationships. I feel that women like that I’m like that.
I mined my clone’s thoughts. I hope he doesn’t mind.
I didn’t make two mistakes all day yesterday. I just made one long one that lasted 24 hours.
We all make mistakes. Some just manufacture them in a factory and sell them to the public.
