Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

II’m proud to say that over the past few years there’s been considerable disinterest in my work. But things should pick up once my forklift arrives.

Jarod Kintz

Mr. and Mrs. Foster are not my foster parents. Also, they’re not even married to each other. Mr. Foster is married to a different Mrs. Foster, and Mrs. Foster, the first Mrs. Foster, is married to a different Mr. Foster. And though I don’t know t...

Jarod Kintz

My wife must be stupid. I mean, look, she married me, didn’t she?

Jarod Kintz

At first I thought my wife and I were made for each other. It was as if we came out of the same factory. I think we were made in the USA, because things quickly began falling apart.

Jarod Kintz

I wish I had five wives, one for each day of the workweek. This would leave me the weekends to enjoy time with my two mistresses.

Jarod Kintz

Life's too short to take yourself seriously, and too long to take a wife jokingly.

Jarod Kintz

I tried to knock my wife up, but she’d only let me ring the doorbell. And she made me dress up like the pizza delivery boy while I rang.

Jarod Kintz

To me, love is either a pebble, a rock, or a boulder. Or a grain of sand, if you’re trying to measure the love my ex wife had for me.

Jarod Kintz

If somebody tells me and my wife to get a room, I always ask, How about the kitchen?

Jarod Kintz

You don’t need gale force winds to push you in the right direction. No, all you need is a good wife to push you around.

Jarod Kintz

There’s only one way you can appreciate me in the bedroom—call my wife and get permission for me.

Jarod Kintz

I asked for her hand in marriage, but instead got the whole body. Love is full of surprises!

Jarod Kintz

I had an arranged marriage. If I didn’t, how would anybody know when and where to show up?

Jarod Kintz

Dora J. Arod is to Jarod Ora, as yes is to yes. Yes is also the correct answer to “Will you marry me?” Other acceptable answers are Dora J. Arod and Jarod Ora.

Jarod Kintz

Kent Ornado marries Sarah Urricane. One won’t take the others last name; instead, they’ll merge their entire names together to come up with Natural Disaster 1 and 2, respectively.

Jarod Kintz

We were engaged. Not to be married, but in combat. So same thing.

Jarod Kintz

Marriage is the dearth of sex as we know it.

Jarod Kintz

Love is saying yes when you really feel like telling them no. That’s why when she asked if I’d marry her, I replied, “If you pick the place, I’ll pick the date.” She wants Paris, and I want March 5th 2082.

Jarod Kintz

Algebra is numbers forgetting why they’re letters.

Jarod Kintz

I don’t understand people who eat Chinese food with chopsticks when the restaurant also offers silverware. As a tool, chopsticks are inferior to western utensils like the spoon and fork. So why use them? That’s like showing up to a math test with...

Jarod Kintz

Women, if I understood them half as well as I understand fractions, I'd have said a third. But I don't have time for a third, or even my other half, because I spend all my time trying to stretch a quarter into a buck.

Jarod Kintz