I wrote my name on the list 10 years ago, and under the date I wrote “In the future.” But how’d I know I’d show up, and not my clone posing as me?
The future is right around the corner from a bar called, “Yesterdays.” I know, I work there every tomorrow.
I am prophetic. I predicted it would snow tomorrow yesterday, and sure enough today it snowed. True, I’ve been saying it will snow tomorrow every day since June, but as you can see, my fortune telling prowess is improving.
Things can go three ways—left, right, or straight. If you stand on one side, either the left or the right, you will have the quickest reaction 1/3rd of the time, the second quickest reaction 1/3rd of the time, and the slowest reaction 1/3rd of the ...
Thinking ahead is like remembering the future. How about that time we made love? I’ll bet it will be amazing.
I made friends with the future. But I’m still friends with the past.
I’d say my writing voice is original, and I don’t think you’ll find another quite like it. This makes me sad, because when all my clones arrive sometime in the future, their only hope is to try to copy me.
I wish I had a crystal bowl to see into the future with. Every morning I would eat my cereal out of it while I read tomorrow's newspaper.
Her and I, we passed each other, and now she’s in my past. That’s one present I’d like to unwrap in the future.
Labels are necessary, for dating purposes. I’m not talking about gay versus straight. I’m talking about milk versus its expiration.
It was queer meeting him there—odd I mean—and what are the odds we’d meet at a gay bar? I was there to meet a woman, I think.
I think ghosts think I think they taste like cheese. I also think ghosts think I love cheese more than any other food. That’s why I’ve never seen a ghost. They’re afraid of me, afraid I’ll eat them. And you know what, they’re right. I do lo...
The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me.
If I were king, I wouldn’t pay you the money I owe you. I’d give you a far more valuable gift: the gift of life—your own. Yes, you’d get to keep it!
I make an H2O alternative with my armpits. I left you a ten-gallon sample in your car, as a going away gift.
The one benefit of Alzheimer’s is that you can keep giving them the same gift over and over, and it’s always such a surprise.
Can you ever really say you know anybody—your clone included? Still, if my clone’s birthday were coming up, I’d only shop Buy One Get One Free deals.
My advice: Give it to whoever they are for, before whoever they are gets wherever they are going.
My list of chores is a little too important to include in my list of life’s goals.
I heard God in the silence. I recognized his voice precisely because it was inaudible.
Some people think nature is their God. I'd like to apologize to all those people for pissing on their religion.
