Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

I saw a hermaphrodite changing, so out of respect, I turned halfway around.

Jarod Kintz

Bring on hyperinflation! I want to be a millionaire with minimal work.

Jarod Kintz

I only know I was born on March 5th because someone told me. I don’t remember myself. So it’s fact based on secondhand information and trust.

Jarod Kintz

I want to fill a jar with a lot of clapping, and sell my applause next to the applesauce in a grocery store. You can eat the praise you didn’t earn, but did pay for.

Jarod Kintz

When I saw you, I saw love. When I saw you naked, I saw lust. When I saw you with my clone in a dream, I saw the future.

Jarod Kintz

On March 5th, I'm having my birthday celebration. The party starts at midnight, and ends at 12:01 AM. Don't be late!

Jarod Kintz

I belong, and my penis, it be long.

Jarod Kintz

If I had a dollar for every time a random woman walked up to me and tried to seduce me, I'd have 50 cents. That's assuming drag queens are half price.

Jarod Kintz

You can't put a price tag on human life. But if you could, I'd demand coupons for clones.

Jarod Kintz

As long as you are wearing a hat made out of shingles, you’ll always have a roof over your head.

Jarod Kintz

I want to mass produce wretchedness. An unsatisfactory factory. Then I want to produce cologne and stench—at different ends of the production line. So it would be an olfactory factory.

Jarod Kintz

I’m so paranoid that everyone starts to look like everyone. I convince myself I’m a con named Vince. My lips are thin and tight, but my tongue is broad and loose. I’m taking my secrets to your grave, after I put you there.

Jarod Kintz

Selling something only to steal it back to sell again is not only dishonest, but highly profitable.

Jarod Kintz

The truth is like a nipple: the more you twist it, the more somebody is going to get hurt.

Jarod Kintz

I am a slave to your love. Well, more like indentured servant.

Jarod Kintz

Something can be humorous without being funny. The difference is when it’s humorous, a person says, “That’s funny,” and when it’s funny, a person can’t say anything because they’re too busy laughing.

Jarod Kintz

I’m running a marathon. I won’t be jogging, walking, or sprinting, but I will be overseeing it.

Jarod Kintz

One day Orafoura and I were walking along and I turned and said, "I wish I could capture the weather in a bottle." Without looking at me he said, "You can capture rain in a bottle. Some people call that water.

Jarod Kintz

Before I sold used cars, I sold used horses. Mostly to glue factories.

Jarod Kintz

There are shades of schadenfreude. My favorite shade is bright red, from a haughty spanking.

Jarod Kintz

Sometimes I pretend I'm from the 19th century. Then I drive around and say, Wow! So this is what the future's like, huh?

Jarod Kintz