On the scale of tomato to ketchup, my girlfriend is definitely a 57.
I just started working the graveyard shift at the cemetery. Come to think of it, every shift at the cemetery is the graveyard shift.
I don’t believe in the zodiac. Whenever anybody asks me what my sign is, I always say “Yield.
My new employer made me get a drug test, so I ripped off my shirt, flexed my muscles, and said, “You suspect me of taking steroids, don’t you?
My words and my ideas are my property, and I’ll keep and protect them as surely as I do my stable of unicorns.
I ate a pound cake today, but I gained two.
I love how babies look like old people. I saw a baby the other day that looked exactly like my grandpa, only taller.
Sex and violence: the greatest duo since the Three Stooges.
When a guy at the urinal says to me, "If you shake it more than twice, you're playing with it," I like to look over at him, grab his ass, and say, "Shh. I'm about to cum.
I am the dinosaur of love. Specifically, I am a pterodactyl, and you are my silent “p.” Stay quiet woman!
If I could store any character quality in a cookie jar, I’d store patience. Chocolate-chip patience cookies. And I’d eat them all at one sitting.
Sometimes no words come as a response, only shapes spring to mind. But after you tell me you love me, I can’t very well reply, “Hexagon!
If you were to ask me what’s under my bed, I’d tell you shoes. They’re brown, and they’re still attached to the body that’s been decomposing there since I hid it three days ago.
We had a blast at my magical birthday party. There were midgets, fairies, glass slippers, and I actually got to ride in a pumpkin.
In these modern times, the only sensible thing to be is nonsensical.
If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I have no idea where I am right now.
You can’t put a price tag on love. But if you could, I’d wait for it to go on sale.
I spend all my time trying to capture the moment. And when I do, I'll interrogate and torture it.
If someone invited you to a flash mob, would you wear a bra?
If love came in a cardboard tube, I’d probably send it priority mail. But I’d make you pay for shipping.
I’m not opposed to new people, I just don’t like their packaging (diapers).
