Don’t go on a ghost tour, because you won’t see a ghost. Well, you might. Maybe I have ghost blindness and can’t see the invisible.
I’m a thief, because I stole her heart. That’s so cheesy that I had to end it with nachos.
The site of her warmed my heart, like a mitten over my penis. Can you please pass me the empty handshakes?
I’m not in manufacturing, but I make something. I make a difference. But to be honest, I think China can make it cheaper.
Who needs a large vocabulary when you can just make up any word at any time? It makes life a whole lot more emeaglibop.
Just because I murdered a man—my boss—doesn’t mean I deserve to be fired. In fact, as I see it and saw it, I should be promoted for showing initiative and seeing an opportunity and opening where others saw none.
My definition of dictionary can’t be found in the dictionary. Dictionary—A linguistic prison, confining words to well-defined cells, with little chance of parole.
In the off chance I’ll be turned on, I keep a light switch in my pocket. (Who turned off the light in my pocket? Oh yeah, my erection.)
Music enters through the ear, not the penis hole. This is probably a common mistake most deaf men make.
To get him to agree, I put a gun to his head. To get him to not change his mind, I blew out his brains.
I’m not flat broke. I’m a little hilly.
If you have one dollar and I have a hundred dollars, I could say I have a hundred times the amount of money you do. And while that's true, it makes me sound wealthy and you sound poor, when the reality is we're both broke.
I look like a million bucks, but I feel like shit. Thanks, inflation!
I don’t care if I’m on the moon, the party is on the sun, and I am an albino, you should still invite me.
I think a cool band name would be War Dwarf. Of course, I’m entirely too tall and peaceful to be a member. Not to mention nonmusical.
When I’m in the ocean, I swim alone, because I’m a shark-eating man. I’m also a man-eating man, though to be fair I thought that one surfer was a seal when I bit into him.
Do something productive, like painting or procrastinating or protesting—which is just a combination of the first two.
The crowd was patriotic, and they were chanting “USA, USA.” Of course, the crowd was also dyslexic out at the state university of Arizona, so it came out, “ASU, ASU.
I just made a fan gun. Instead of shooting bullets, it shoots the breeze. Just doing my part to make a more peaceful, and cooler, world.
I should be a coach, because when my players win, I win. But when my players lose, what a bunch of losers and hey, don’t blame me, because I wasn’t playing.
The phrase “Rat you out” is offensive because it’s not offensive enough. It should be “Politician you out.
