What do I do for fun? Well, I’d love to get into the bank robbing business, but government work is not for me.
I love Huey Lewis, but not the News, because the News is too depressing.
Sometimes I’ll forget a utensil’s name, and I’ll say, “Give me that pointy thing,” as I point with my pointy finger.
I have always loved camping, ever since I was eight, and was forcibly stuffed in a trunk and dropped off in the middle of the forest. My dad was a complex man, but I believe he was trying to show me the value of camping.
I’m a Pisces, and people say that Pisces make the best the best lovers. That’s because Pisces are fish, and it’s like my grandpa always used to say, “The next best thing to making love to a mermaid, is having sex with a fish.
Every politician has a promising career. Unfortunately, most of them do not keep those promises.
When I compliment you, I compliment myself, because I am who I associate with.
Last time I had sex I was so good I got a standing ovation. Well, actually, I just got the clap.
Put your middle finger and your thumb together. And make it snappy.
I like wearing a blindfold while watching movies, so that I can focus on the dialogue. My favorite flicks are the silent movies.
I wrote a thesis on love, and I wrote it in lipstick. Of course, I also got blood on the paper, because the lipstick was still attached to her cheating lips.
If I were a mannequin, I'd know people would only want me for my body. But that's OK, because that's how it is now.
I once saw the world’s ugliest baby drown. But then I realized, “That’s not a baby, that’s a log. And it’s not drowning, it’s burning.” I wonder what it did to deserve that? It was probably a heretic.
What can I say about love that’s never been said by me or anyone else? Well, sometimes love smells like my farts, after I eat a dozen roses.
I’m not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, I’m dyeing my hair tonight.
The other day I woke up to find my girlfriend already gone from the house, and a sticky note on the fridge that said, "I love you." "Oh my God," I thought. "Somebody's obsessed with me, and they kidnapped my girlfriend just to get closer to me.
When anybody asks me what time it is, I always say, “Yesterday, plus 24 hours.
I have studied the astrological musings of the mystics, and I can conclude one thing: of all things cosmic, bowling is the best.
There are two typos of people in this world: those who can edit, and those who can't.
I like watching people stretch in the park. It's my new favorite pastime since I bought a portable rack.
Most kids start talking by age two. I didn't say a word until I was twelve. I was just angry and defiant I guess. My first word wasn't "Mom" or "Dad." It was "No.
