Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

I thought the movie was too short to pay for, and too long to be free. But I’d watch it again, if I were wearing a blindfold and stuffed in the trunk of a car. At least kidnapping is more honest than politics.

Jarod Kintz

I hope you don’t mind, but I took the liberty of taking away your freedoms. –Uncle Sam


Jarod Kintz

Freedom isn't free. But there are some really great coupons if you know where to look. Buy one liberty, get the next one half off.

Jarod Kintz

The Mythical Mr. Boo has several eagle feathers, or “Freedom Feathers,” as he likes to call them, that he staples to his chest in protest of any kind of bloodshed.

Jarod Kintz

If flip flops were oppressive, I wouldn't wear any. I'd go around showing of my bare feet of freedom. And I'd tell everyone that freedom causes blisters.

Jarod Kintz

Friends, like fingers, are only good if you can count on them, as well as point them in the right direction.

Jarod Kintz

I have so many friends I couldn’t even count them on one hand—not even if I had six fingers. Now, if I had seven fingers, I could count on them, but I still wouldn’t be able to count on my friends.

Jarod Kintz

It’s been said that you make as much money as the average income of your five closest friends. Well, I have no friends, so it’s no surprise that I have no money either.

Jarod Kintz

I lean on my friends for support. It’s better than leaning on a crutch, because your friends won’t accuse you of chugging down all the water out of the goldfish bowl. My friends know I have a drinking problem.

Jarod Kintz

Friends are like orgasms: you can never have too many, but just try to watch out for the fake ones.

Jarod Kintz

When I fake smile the corners of my mouth twitch from tiredness, then nervousness, as I wonder if anybody can see my mouth quivering and figure out that I’m faking my friendliness.

Jarod Kintz

Me and a group of friends meeting in private to bond and have fun may appear to outsiders as a shadowy secret society plotting to take over the world. But that’s utter nonsense. That group meets on Sundays, and takes place in the sunshine, where no...

Jarod Kintz

I could tell we were going to get along from the way he wiped his ass—on my tie.

Jarod Kintz

To me, a good friend is one who doesn't talk, but who listens all the time. Someone who is observant. Someone who wiretaps your phone lines. I consider myself a good friend.

Jarod Kintz

Good friends are like appendages. It's painful to lose one, and crippling to lose two or more.

Jarod Kintz

Normal is made up of two friends—Norm and Al. That’s twice the number of friends that I have, probably because I’m weirder than normal.

Jarod Kintz

It’s hard to find friends I can trust. Most end up either getting shot, stabbed, or I have to tie them up and toss them overboard in the Atlantic Ocean.

Jarod Kintz

People are more likely to like you if you treat them with respect and Linseed oil.

Jarod Kintz

I haven’t seen my old friends in a while. Maybe next week I’ll go visit them in the nursing home.

Jarod Kintz

I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I'd happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin.

Jarod Kintz

They say there are 7 billion people on earth. I don't know what accountant came up with that number, but in my humble opinion, they might have been off by at least a dozen. You see, my and my friends were hiding during the count.

Jarod Kintz