Even roaches won’t eat McDonald’s. Neither will any of the Donalds I know, and I don't know anybody named Donald.
I just ate at a new McDonald’s franchise, and it was great. Everything looked new, including the food. Apparently fast food will look new for years, sort of like plastic. I wonder if the toys in Happy Meals are more edible than the meals themselves...
It’s amazing that a thin film of plastic wrap is enough to protect food against the aggression of hungry marauders. Or maybe the plastic cover doesn’t act as a shield, but rather the starving mob is staved off by one simple word: Leftovers.
She asked for the time, and I said that information is for sale—by the slice. 60 slices in a whole pie.
If you’re hungry, eat one of my new starvation pills. They taste like silence.
My nickname in high school was Catch 22. Not because I was a walking dilemma, but because I had 22 catches freshman year. The interesting part was that I didn’t play football, but that’s just how inaccurate our quarterback was.
Love is like a zebra refereeing a football game. I should know, because I am the rodeo cowboy riding that zebra.
In all four years of high school, not once did I make the football team. The other part of the story is that I never even tried out. Just raw talent, I guess.
There’s a traffic jam in the stream. I’d better go fish up a solution. Too bad I left my tackle box at the football stadium, along with all the other worms.
Love spends more time washing its hands than it does pissing in the kitchen sink. Remember that next time someone locks themself in your bathroom for the duration of the football game.
I told her I'd wait forever for her, but that was before I found somebody else who'd give me a ride home.
I loved her like Monday’s not Sunday. Is it yesterday yet? I won’t know if we were meant to be together forever until six days from now. That’s a long time. Also, that’s a long time.
I used to think how lucky she was to have me, but now I realize that’s backwards. A spirit of gratitude yields patience, love, and forgiveness.
To forgive is Godly. To begrudge is manly. I don’t even have any chest hair, so you know where I stand.
Nothing says I forgive you like a punch in the face.
I say yes, turn the other cheek, and let me slap your butt again. Forgiveness can be oh so naughty.
Return something not for the possibility of a reward, but for the joy of giving a gift which you did not have to pay for.
Sell canoes to those who are enduring a drought, and sell sunscreen to those suffering from flooding. But give love freely to all, because samples encourage sales.
Rollie Fingers called. He wants his fingers back. And his mustache. Too bad I sold them to 1969 to buy some free love. Wait, if it was free, why did I buy it? 1969 ripped me off!
Feel free to become a slave to your own clone. And mine. Remember, you can never have too many lovers who look exactly the same as me.
I give everybody my love, and therefore nobody gets my love. I’m freedy—free and greedy.
