I stepped on a banana spider today. I didn't crush it, but I did slip and fall. Then I got bit by one of the Three Stooges, possibly John McCain.
I’ll work hard to win fame and recognition from the public, and then I’ll work hard to remain anonymous and unrecognizable and become as private as a hermit. I’ll be hermaphroditic with my notoriety, embodying both ends of the spectrum as I ...
I'm not famous, but some people know me by name. Other people know me by number. That number is four.
My niece just turned one. I gave her a birthday card that read, "If you can read this, Happy Birthday!
I asked possible witnesses about the invisible man shaped like a whisper, and nobody saw or heard anything. Which means he was there, and he is probably my father.
My mother-in-law got so angry at me she vowed she’d never speak to me again, and I smiled and gave thanks for the little miracle God worked in my life.
I think I just inhaled a cloud shaped like the ghost of my grandpa, and all I have to say is grandma smelled better.
There is one tree in Gainesville I call "Grandfather" because it looks like a giant Bonsai tree. Well, that and I actually thought it was my mother's father for the longest time.
The best thing my grandpa ever said to me was, “Gladys, bring me some more damn soup.” Well, maybe he wasn’t talking to me, but it was still good to hear he was a romantic.
Maybe I will buy my nephew an aquarium for his next birthday. It’s got to be better than the bathroom sink, which is where my brother is keeping him now.
My dad taught me everything I know about being a man, and most of what I know about being a woman. The rest I had to learn from textbooks.
I'm the oldest of twelve brothers. However, the other eleven are yet to be born.
I couldn’t have pulled it off if you hadn’t have pulled out all those years ago. So thanks, dad.
I don’t have any original facial expressions. Everything I have I inherited from my parents. Someday I’ll show you my “You’re adopted” smile.
A person’s favorite word is brother, because he or she can relate to it. I love it because we value most in life the things we do not have.
The cycle of parental disapproval begins at dawn. That’s why I have to get up five minutes before sunrise, so I can berate my grandpa like he was my own child.
Some people say I look like my mom, while others say I look more like my dad. I guess it all depends on what I’m wearing.
I like spending time with my family. And if you have the same last name as me, we might be family. I’m an orphan, so I was hoping we could hang out.
Sometimes I feel like I’m living in my father’s shadow. But then he takes a few steps, or bends down to stretch his back, and I get to enjoy the sunlight for a few moments.
I called my father, but he pretended to be sleeping at first, then claimed not to know me, and then claimed I had the wrong number. And sure enough, when I looked at the number I dialed after he hung up, he did have a different number. The amazing pa...
It’s tough to lose one parent, but to lose two—in a murder/suicide no less! But it’s OK, soon after the incident I found out I was abandoned as a baby, so they weren’t my real parents anyway.
