I’m always amazed that my twin has the same birthday as me, and that he doesn’t exist. I wonder if I exist?
I respect my elders, but I don’t respect the Myelders, who are my neighbors, because they are so neglectful of their lawn that it’s like they don’t even exist.
I want to win an award that doesn’t exist yet. Well, I want my clone to win it, and that’s almost the same thing—and he also doesn’t exist yet, so it’s perfect.
Nobody’s going to notice what’s not there, unless something was there and now is not. But if it wasn’t there all along, it’s mine for the taking, and nobody’s going to say nothing. It’s not stealing if I take something that isn’t there,...
You can't be extinct if people aren't even aware you ever existed. I should know, because I don't know.
By brother is so young that to this day he still doesn’t exist.
Earwax is nothing more than sound boogers. I’m too congested to hear anything but I love you. Not that I expect you to flick it at me lightly.
In my experience, I’ve found myself to be inexperienced. But at least I found myself. Some people spend their lives searching in vain.
Experience counts for something. I count with my fingers. I could count on you, but you’ve only got one finger for me (the middle one).
Other candidates may say they have 10 years of real-world experience, but I say, What, did they work nonstop with no sleep for a decade? If that’s the case, then I am an expert sleeper with a decade of surreal-world experience.
Experience is the best teacher I've ever had. I'm sorry, Mr. Sortz, but it's true.
Throw a pair of Band-Aids over your eyelids, and open your eyes to your wounds.
I like undressing women with my eyes, but I just can’t quite figure out how to unstrap their bras with my eyelids.
There are going to be a lot of eyes on this year's annual Blindfold Convention. People always want to watch what they can’t watch.
I haven’t spent my time trying to duplicate my success. But only because I haven’t had any yet.
If I fail to succeed, I have succeeded in failing.
You get used to success and you start to expect it—and that’s when you fail. Luckily for me, I can’t possibly fail, precisely because I always fail.
It’s December in Florida, and there are still a few leaves clinging on the branches for dear summer.
If words were leaves, would you prefer fall or spring?
Pride must be a summer thing, because it "comes before the fall.
It’s spring now, and I was just thinking that I haven’t been in love since the fall. The fall of the Roman Empire.
