Capitalist cycle of profit. The rancher sells a cow for profit. The butcher sells cuts for profit. The restaurant sells meals for profit. And the patrons spend money for profit.
When I’m lonely I stand in the corner and play my saxophone and feel sorry for myself. I would ask you to accompany me on the piano, but if I did that I wouldn’t be lonely, would I? And what’s the point of a saxophone if not to celebrate despai...
Be true to who you are as a person. Or, if you’re a politician, be true to who you are as an animal. Actually, to be true as a politician you have to be false.
I have a good ear for music, just like Van Gogh had a good ear for art.
I just acquired a choir. I bought it for a song.
The first step to running a successful business, is printing out pictures of all the luxury items you’re going to buy once you get rich.
Having kids and making kids are two different hobbies. I don’t have any children, but I do have lots of sex. It is an expensive hobby, but well worth the money I spend on it.
I keep my phone on vibrate, and I keep it close to my genitals. You should call me. A lot.
There are pockets of wealth in this country. Mostly those pockets are in the politicians’ pants.
My asshole smells like burnt firewood, and I’ve got firemen calling me. But I won’t answer, because my answer is no, they can’t take me out on a date.
People are trying to kill people. Well, those people need to die.
Women want me, and men want to be me. And by me I mean Ryan Gosling.
I’m divorced, in debt, and I can’t grow sideburns. Sometimes I get depressed, but then I think, It’s OK—I can still grow a mustache.
When I go to the bar, I never drink much. And to do that I avoid conversations, as silence reduces saliva and swallowing, which is drinking.
I put the yes in eyes. Except when I blink, because that’s definitely a no action.
Extended family is great. If you want to know how extended your family is, just go out and win the lottery. Your phone will be ringing nonstop. And you know I'll call you too, because I'm your fifth cousin on your father's side.
I’d be afraid of a man with two shadows, because that man is my clone, and he probably wants to kill me.
Pound-for-pound, I’m the best non-fighter in the world. I could kick Gandhi’s ass.
A burial should be more than a fire pit, arena seating, and a squirming politician strapped to a pile of wood. There should also be marshmallows.
I went to a fire sale. I brought a bucket of water, and boy did I make a splash.
How do two retards eat a turd sandwich? Well, not by first wiping their ass with wheat bread like I showed them.
