I don’t drink water, because if water can erode rock, think what it can do to flesh.
When I see a cop’s lights behind me at two in the morning, and I have my disco ball dangling from my rearview mirror, it’s like, Hey, a party! Especially if I’ve been drinking.
Learn how to read by taking small sips first. Drink my watery literary nipples.
I want to invent a drug to help people get off drugs.
My drug of choice is love. Sure, I’ve tried other drugs, but no other drug gets both the dealer and user high from every transaction.
My hush is lush. It’s drunk on its own greenness, just as I’m drunk on my blue silence. What would you say if I asked you to turquoise?
For the celebration I got champagne flutes, even though I’m not musical. That night I felt like Mozart. He was a drunk, right?
She works in the corporate business center, and I work in a satellite location. She calls it the “moon,” while I call it the “office.” I like to think of my office as God’s cue ball. I’m calling in now, The Big Three’s hitting the two b...
One of my hobbies is reading finance and economic books—at the strip club, where I “invest” my money.
The patrons aren’t patronizing the store, and it’s not just the economy that’s keeping them out—it’s that nobody here likes to be patronized.
Nobody can make you feel ignorant but you—the you from before, the one who skipped school and slept in class. By you, of course, I mean me.
I have an 8th grade education. Of course, I also have a bachelor’s degree.
I’ve found newspapers only useful as kindling material for campfires. It’s been said that newspaper articles are written at a fifth grade reading level. If so, I can’t figure out why journalists would write something that the average high schoo...
No matter how great you are, you could always be greater. Let this be a lesson in the need to lessen the size of your ego.
Who I am is unimportant. But who I am is very important. I’ll suppress my ego now, every occurring now, so I can achieve my maximum later.
He said he didn’t think he is good, but you can tell that secretly he thinks he’s good. And he’s right—he’s not good.
I love writing about love, even though I’m an emotional orphan. I didn’t abandon my feelings—they abandoned me!
If jellybeans came in a broader flavor base that included emotions too, I’d avoid the red ones, because they would taste like rage.
We are the wire, and tomorrow is like yesterday with a furry back. Don’t pet me, Tuesday! Please don’t Wednesday with my emotions.
Love has a sound, if you know what to listen for. It sounds like silence, surrounded by blindness. It’s the Helen Keller of emotions, at least for me.
When she’s cuddled close, I feel there’s nothing I can’t do, and I can’t do nothing about it, because my heart is her heart for as long as she wants it.
