Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

I’m the most expensive person in my life. Every day I pay for the poor decisions of my past.

Jarod Kintz

When I need to be in two places at once, make two decisions at once, that’s what clones are for.

Jarod Kintz

If green is envy and blue is depression, then I’m feeling quite turquoise right now. But maybe with a little luck, I’ll feel teal a little later.

Jarod Kintz

The escalator doesn’t work, and you’d think they’d still be used as stairs, but in this economic depression, even the stairs are unemployed.

Jarod Kintz

In a good economy, people work hard to succeed. In a bad economy, people work hard to not fail.

Jarod Kintz

Night—it’s the only thing that will cover up one of my black moods. Good thing my depression isn’t an every day kind of thing. It’s an after day thing.

Jarod Kintz

I’m claustrophobic. Your love is suffocating me and making me panic like the Crash of ’29. Just give me some space, and soon I’ll be all 1930 and we can try to make things work.

Jarod Kintz

I’m sure you could win with a design that I’d cast off as trash. Such is the curious case of the annual Garbage Festival. Plus, I’m just that good. Or am I that bad?

Jarod Kintz

Why are desire scales 1-10? They should be 1-12, like a clock, because I want her 1-12, I mean like all the time.

Jarod Kintz

My goal is to have the most and the best of what I desire. And since I desire clones, I have to be the best me first.

Jarod Kintz

I asked her to wear something revealing, so she showed up in a prophet's toga.

Jarod Kintz

In the Tunnel of Desire, past the Tube of Destiny, lies the Turtle of Doubt. We all have to face that turtle, but only the confident ones ever find out that doubt tastes like chicken.

Jarod Kintz

The devil appears in many forms, but the most nefarious of all are tax forms.

Jarod Kintz

God created the heavens, while the devil created doubt. Here is a short list of Lucifer's other notable inventions: matches, the lighter, the flamethrower, and George Burns.

Jarod Kintz

God, the devil, and Orafoura were walking along a river one day when they came across three naked women splashing in the water. God turned to the other two and said, "Ten talents to the one who can get them fully clothed the fastest." The devil, alwa...

Jarod Kintz

My mother-in-law scared the hell out of me. But it’s cool, because the stench of Satan reminds me of her anyways. Hungry? Deviled eggs anyone?

Jarod Kintz

We all wear uniforms, even if we’re conforming to unconformity. People who try so hard to look different end up looking the same as all the other people who try so hard to look different.

Jarod Kintz

If a woman named Ms. Silver won a gold medal, she’d probably be a little disappointed she didn’t place second. My love always finishes first, while my love always comes second.

Jarod Kintz

My left hand is my bad hand. I spank it with my right hand. You might call it clapping, but I call it discipline.

Jarod Kintz

I find out a lot about myself by sleeping. Dreams, they are who I am when I’m too tired to be me.

Jarod Kintz

Diversity is like a buffet, only with people. That’s why I like associating with individuals who are as close to macaroni and cheese as humanly possible.

Jarod Kintz