Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

If politicians lived to be only 30-years-old before dying, that’d still be 30 years too long.

Jarod Kintz

Too many men have died in the name of old age. I know, because my grandmother was one of them.

Jarod Kintz

If you have to dig to find yourself, you are probably dead.

Jarod Kintz

Suicide pact: I’ll shoot you, and then you’ll shoot me.

Jarod Kintz

I plan on putting off death my whole life.

Jarod Kintz

The wisest thing my grandpa ever said to me before he died was "Stop!" Thinking back, I don't know if he was talking to me or the car that ran him over. I prefer to think he was talking to the car, because how could he be so foolish to try to talk to...

Jarod Kintz

I never speed, because if I get into an automobile crash and die, I don’t want to have arrived earlier than I was supposed to for my death.

Jarod Kintz

Nothing is certain but death and taxidermy.

Jarod Kintz

I moved my hand in and out of the shadow and pondered life and death. Then I put on my lipstick, pulled up my pants, and got back to work.

Jarod Kintz

My wife died of someone trying to help her. He helped her find her way off a bridge and into a chained and locked metal trunk. Then he had the audacity to not accept a coupon when I went to pay him for his services rendered.

Jarod Kintz

-You don’t want to come out and celebrate with me tonight? What’s more important than the fact that I just got a job?
 -My grandpa just died.
 -Oh, shit. I’m sorry, man.
 -Oh, no, he’s still alive. I was just giving you an example of so...

Jarod Kintz

Of all the ways to murder someone, slowly, over the course of about 75 years or so, is the best way to not get caught. Nobody, not even Sherlock Holmes, would suspect a thing.

Jarod Kintz

I am cursed. Everybody around me dies. It just might take a hundred years for them to do so.

Jarod Kintz

If my doctor told me I only had five minutes to live, I’d probably change all the clocks in my house, because they’re all five minutes fast and I want to know exactly how much time I have left so I can use it wisely.

Jarod Kintz

I'm not afraid of death, I'm just not sure there is life after the honeymoon.

Jarod Kintz

The whole world is dying. Just too slowly and naturally for my liking. Somebody should poison the food by genetically modifying it somehow. But even if that happened, nobody would be stupid enough to buy it—let alone eat it—would they?

Jarod Kintz

I want to do something different, and make a difference in people’s lives. If everyone jumps off a bridge, I’ll be the guy who built that bridge.

Jarod Kintz

I want to end my life by eating so much Viagra that I go out like that movie and Die Hard. If you want to watch, I just made popcorn.

Jarod Kintz

My heart beats to the rhythm of the windshield wipers. I’d better never drive in the desert, unless I want to die. Our relationship has one too many cactuses in it to be deserving of my love.

Jarod Kintz

It’s a new subject to me, and I’m just starting to get confused. The middle is the muddle, and the end is enlightenment. The subject is love, and the end is death.

Jarod Kintz

My love has six sides, but it’s not a coffin. That’s just an optical illusion. Still, one day my love for you will be the death of me.

Jarod Kintz