I asked her out on a date, and she said, “Sorry, I can’t see you.” “That’s no problem,” I replied, “I won’t wear my invisible cloak.
6 pm isn’t closer to noon than 6 am in reality, but mentally the difference is like night and day.
If I were as tall as the day is night, I’d be a midget.
If I grew an inch a day, in 365 days I’d be one year tall. I’d be over three basketball hoops high, but I’d still only be able to palm a Sunday once a year.
It was 7 AM, so what else could I say but, “Have a great night.” Plus, he was as blind as Helen Keller was deaf, so to him day was night.
If somebody wanted me dead, I’d try to convince them to wait 25 years, for technology to arrive, so they can go kill my clone. It’s a win-win for me and them, but not for my other me.
A stick won’t stick to a wall, so why is it called a stick? Likewise, why aren’t love and ghost the same word? Both are dead and invisible.
Thirteen of us ate supper, and then one of us died. Unfortunately, he did not rise from the dead to pay his dinner bill. And he wasn’t the only one to skip out without paying, but surely one of the eleven graciously paid for me.
I love how sincere she is. She makes a mannequin look like Mother Theresa, though she looks better naked. And I hope she thinks I look better naked than a dead woman.
Love is like war, except without all the blood and death and stuff.
People who die in Detroit and then go to hell probably think they’re in heaven. I know, because I’ve been to Cleveland.
If somebody offered me Cyanide, my only question would be, Is it organic? Because organic is always the healthier option.
Fish like shiny things, stupid people like shiny things, and the late Nebular Romular Ichibar IV liked shiny things. He burned to death when he flew too close to a bright star, which ironically got swallowed up by the least shiny object in the univer...
Tomorrow is promised to no man, though I’m under the impression I have an earthly meeting with God on the day after tomorrow. So that’s nice.
In life or death situations, my father has only been there once for me. So I'd like to tell him thanks for not pulling out when I needed him the most: conception.
Some people sleep their lives away. But I also want to sleep death away. If I sleep long enough, maybe death will think I’m already dead and pass me by.
For the time being I’ll be a being in time. And when I die, I’ll happily be compost for a greener world.
You might think there is nothing more patriotic than dying for your country, but I think there is nothing more patriotic than living for your country.
Some men want to go out with a bang. Personally, I'd rather not die from sex. I mean, what will my wife think when the police tell her?
I was eight when I moved to Florida, and I thought, “Oh great, the retirement capital of the world. I’ll be dead within a decade.
She told me she’d never forget me as long as she lived, and I got offended, because what, as soon as she dies I’m forgotten? Gee, thanks. I see how much I mean to her.
