Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

During conversation, I have no problem making eye contact—with myself in the mirror. Or with my clone, if he’s not rolling his eyes because he knows what I’m going to say.

Jarod Kintz

I talked to David yesterday, but since it is a statue, it didn’t talk back. I have to say, it was a better conversationalist than my last date.

Jarod Kintz

A fan can be used as a listening device, pushing sound waves towards your ears, along with cool air. I listen harder than a hurricane, and that’s why I have a vacant and evacuated expression.

Jarod Kintz

Is talking to your clone like talking to yourself, talking to someone else, both, or in the middle?

Jarod Kintz

To make my meal in a box taste better, I decided to tweak the logo, rather than the ingredients.

Jarod Kintz

I eat fog soup (out of a can). You don’t think I make it fresh, do you? You don’t need a spoon or straw to enjoy it—you need a pipe to inhale it.

Jarod Kintz

After the first meal with a new girlfriend’s family, I always like to say, “Will you folks excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom and vomit now. Gotta keep the weight off somehow. Plus, your cooking is terrible.

Jarod Kintz

Newt Gingrich, buddy, the people of the United States don’t like you. And the only reason the rest of the world doesn’t despise you is because they don’t know you. Thankfully you won’t have to experience that global derision, as you have reac...

Jarod Kintz

I have an ill-fitting jacket. It looks sick. It has an “I Voted” sticker on it, so perhaps it’s as disgusted with politics as politicians are disgusting.

Jarod Kintz

Courage comes in many forms. One of them is the ability to run at high speeds while wearing adult diapers.

Jarod Kintz

Rage is a big part of courage. So is cou.

Jarod Kintz

Courage is a commodity I sell in times of peace. But then my father was a chicken farmer.

Jarod Kintz

I remember her words about remembering my words, and that’s when it hit me: the quickest way to scalpel open a heart is with a declaration of love.

Jarod Kintz

Sometimes I ask myself, "Do I have the courage to do the right thing when it matters most?" And that answer, I'm afraid, is silence.

Jarod Kintz

I’m not courageous. In fact, when I shadow box I wear boxing gloves that are outfitted with flashlights.

Jarod Kintz

Love can make people do crazy things. I once saw a man streak down Blanding Blvd. with only a banana peel stapled over his manhood. I'm not sure he was in love, but he was definitely crazy. Next time I see my dad I'll have to ask if he was in love at...

Jarod Kintz

I haven’t had a birthday party in a while, probably because I’m not really into celebrating myself. Especially not for an achievement (the creation of me) that I did not contribute too.

Jarod Kintz

Instead of reciting her an original love poem using words, I think I’ll use my tongue to more creatively explore the deepest parts of her.

Jarod Kintz

My love is shaped like a dog whistle—the sound, not the thing. As a lover, I’m a fighter. But dogs have more bark than me—and so do trees.

Jarod Kintz

Our two hands were held together by love—and adhesive. Let no man separate what God hath joined together! Is it crazy? Yes—Krazy Glue.

Jarod Kintz

I’m glad the government can’t tax love, because I’d owe them a lot of it. And I’d be forced to tell them how much my ex wife stole.

Jarod Kintz