In Jacksonville, there are more childrenless children than fatherless children. Barely. But that’s one bad thing that’s actually a good thing.
He was an introverted kid, so I didn’t send him to his room as punishment. No, I took him to a party.
When I was a kid, I was just a boy. But that all changed by my 18th birthday. No longer a kid, I was a full-fledged goat.
Every new thought of mine is like my child. And as soon as it is conceived, I must abandon it. I might return to dote on it later, or I might try to strangle it or drown it with logic.
Being a parent is apparently more than most men can handle. This is transparent to even the tiniest child.
A woman I had sex with is carrying my child, because God has made it so that my hands are full. They’re full of hope for the future.
Being an only child makes me the oldest child and the youngest child. And the middle child.
Control your temper, or it will control you. Sometimes even remotely, like a toy car. Christmas is coming up, and for only $44.44 I’ll sell you a gift that would be perfect for the child in your life.
In the future, it’ll be my child, but it will be my child’s life, so I must name it not for me, but for it. I like how that sounds. I think I’ll call it “It.” Boy or girl, It is perfect.
When I was a little boy, say 17 months old, I lived in the forest. I was raised by bears. We had a good time. We laughed a lot. At least I think we laughed a lot. I can’t really say, because I was too young to remember.
The best part about having children is being able to point at them and proudly proclaim, "Hey, I made those.
Being a parent is a gift, one which most men unselfishly allow women to keep all to themselves.
Her message was short: “Any kids?” So I wrote, “Sure. But it might take me a few tries to get you pregnant.
I talked to a mother of nine last night, and I thought, “Nine is nine years too young to be a mother.
I wouldn’t want to work in a nursery, because I can’t deal with children. Or bees. Can I offer you some tea, or some biscuits and a diaper?
I like seeing little kids in shopping carts. It's good practice for when they turn 18 & have to spend the rest of their lives in jail cells.
We’ll make plans on sticky notes and we’ll stick to them. We’ll get married, but only after we buy some milk, cereal, and a book of baby names.
I want to have negative three kids. Or three negative kids.
My wife and I will probably have lots of kids. Just not with each other.
You won’t ever catch me wearing an oven mitt, because what’s wrong with a regular condom? If I’m wearing an oven mitt, I’m too late, because you’ve already got one in the oven.
I asked if she wanted kids. She said her clock is ticking. I said, That’s because I set it five minutes ahead when you weren’t looking.
