It may be 9:01 am, and I may have a 9-5 business, but if you are a politician, I’m closed. Come back at 5:01—and bring your own coffin.
My business associate said, “OK, Jarod, let’s talk turkey.” And I said, “If you want to talk turkey, you’ll have to wait until Thanksgiving.
Some of the higher-ups in the organization don’t know anything about the company—including which floor they are on (the top one). It makes me angry enough to go out and start my own elevator repair business.
I’d give up three days just to get three hours with the woman I love. Of course this instinct is the reason why my investment decisions always look so great—for the people on the other ends of the trades.
If I went into the prosthetic limb business, I’d charge an arm and a leg.
With my wedding photography business, I want repeat customers. So hooray for divorce! That’s why I take lots of pictures—of cheating spouses.
I don’t worry about GDP. Not when there are so many other combinations of letters to be concerned with.
To increase my business, I gave myself the illusion of popularity. I did that by halving the size of my parking lot—so it looks twice as full. It’s this sort of tactical maneuvering, and preference for the abstract over the concrete, that makes m...
Come buy from me what you could rent elsewhere. Like a Like button or a wiggly wrench—or donuts that yesterday would have been free at the store next to mine.
I had to sell my cigarette boat, for fear it would cause cancer.
Don’t shave my head to make your wig of selfishness. Shave it because you care.
To be environmentally friendly, I’d ride my stationary bike to work. I hope my career works out, because it feels like I'm just spinning my wheels.
I want to do something for a living that when it comes time to retire and I can stop doing it, I’ll want to continue doing it in my free time.
Like the Grand Canyon, I care deeply. Hop on a donkey and you’ll see how deeply I love you!
There was fried chicken in the litter box, so I helped myself and took a shit. I am a cat lover and a fan of KFC. I always take mine to go.
I have a bedroom rug that I feed. It’s not very flat, and it meows when I step on it.
A window—it’s more entertaining than TV. Just ask a cat looking out, or a man looking in on a life he desires.
When someone tells me they don’t read, I like to walk up to them and stroke their hair, pet it really, because you know who also doesn’t read? My cat. In essence, these people are pitiful, and no better than pets.
I like how cats’ ears can flip inside out. It’s as if they’re saying, Keep talking, human, but I’m not even listening.
I’m at a point in my life where I feel like I can’t go anywhere. Maybe I’ll try to coax my cat off my lap so I can get up and move.
My workout partner is a cat. We nap together. He spots me a place, and keeps it warm, and then as soon as I spot him I go to him and cuddle.
