Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

I’m willing to die for my beliefs, but over the course of a lifetime and not all at once right now.

Jarod Kintz

I've often wondered what makes a relationship last. I guess the best answer is it's the one right after the next to the last one.

Jarod Kintz

On any job application I ever do, if they want my references, I always list the Bible.

Jarod Kintz

I celebrate my birthday in ways not seen this side of the Old Testament. I celebrate my life like the Dead Sea, and my party is a BYOP (bring your own plague) event.

Jarod Kintz

You don’t need the Bible to tell you the flesh is weak. Just pinch it and find out for yourself.

Jarod Kintz

If my clone writes my biography, is it really an autobiography?

Jarod Kintz

My ex girlfriend and I, we had chemistry together. And right after that, we had biology.

Jarod Kintz

I know sex sells. I also know gametes are sex cells. Her and I had chemistry together, and that’s just biology.

Jarod Kintz

The birds fly south for the winter not because it’s cold, but because they have wings. Similarly, love has the ultimate flight pattern, and that pattern is plaid.

Jarod Kintz

When all the birds and all the fish join forces, the politicians will be forced to chew on and swallow their own slimy, wormlike words. But until the time that the sky and the sea blend into one, I’ll leave my fishing pole in a tree, disguised as a...

Jarod Kintz

The birds bark my name, and I meow theirs in return. I may be a bit mixed up about life, but not about love. Or maybe I mixed that up.

Jarod Kintz

I don’t want to adopt your ideas, I want to give birth to them.

Jarod Kintz

Ever since the day I came out of the womb, I’ve had impeccable timing. For example, I somehow managed to be born on the exact day of my birthday. And I wasn’t even trying, though my mother did push me along a bit.

Jarod Kintz

I haven’t the faintest idea how babies are born, probably because I fainted on the day I was born.

Jarod Kintz

I’ve had the paperwork sitting on my desk for the past nine months, waiting to be filled out and sent in. I feel like I’ve given birth to procrastination.

Jarod Kintz

Ah, the good ol’ days. I remember those days. That was before your time. It was before my time too, because I didn’t have a watch, and I hadn’t been born yet.

Jarod Kintz

Columbus was born around 1492. I say around because before that the world was flat. My stomach also used to be flat, but now it looks like a globe is about to be born.

Jarod Kintz

I’m always 15 minutes early for everything. In fact, I was born 15 minutes early. That’s why my love is always a bit premature. But don’t worry; just give our relationship a minute—plus fourteen more.

Jarod Kintz

Love can come shooting out of nowhere, much like semen shoots out a penis. Too many lives come to an end—and begin—from random shootings.

Jarod Kintz

My love started the day I was born. If you run you can probably catch up. Remember, think marathon—not sprint.

Jarod Kintz

I like to call in sick to work at places where I’ve never held a job. Then when the manager tells me I don’t work there, I tell them I’d like to. But not today, as I’m sick.

Jarod Kintz