I'm asexual, though occasionally I'm attracted to inanimate objects. Mainly tube-shaped objects.
I lit my loneliness on fire like it was a cigarette. But I didn’t smoke it, because that would have required me to remove my gas mask. And what kind of sensible girl is going to be attracted to a guy out in public not wearing his gas mask?
I don’t have any inkling what to do with all the ink in this digital age. Maybe I’ll write a bunch of love letters to a dead author. Who moved my mayonnaise?
If I told you that my global audience has shot up 100% in the last six months, what would you say? If you were to say, “So you went from one reader to two readers?” you’d be absolutely correct. And after I had congratulated you on your keen gue...
For your birthday I’ll give you 100 copies of your least favorite author’s book, and they’ll all be autographed. Now, should I sign the cover, or the inside flap?
As a fiction writer, let me make it up, and let me make it up to you. I’ll pen our love story, if you’ll be my co-author.
Sometimes I’ll read a book and feel it was written just for me. Then I’ll flip the book over to look at the cover to see who wrote it, only to discover that it feels like it was written for me because it was written by me.
I should charge my bank money every time I endorse the back of a check. What is the going rate these days for the autograph of an aspiring writer?
Bestseller doesn’t necessarily mean good writer. I think it takes 10,000 book sales to make the bestseller’s list, and at about 9 dollars a pop for my book, if I had an extra $90,000 dollars of disposable income, I’d be a bestseller tomorrow. B...
One great thinker said one thing, another said another, and while the two thoughts are contradicting, the one that backs my argument at the moment is the superior statement.
Writer’s block, I just drove around it four times. All my favorite writers live there.
I love like a leaf in the wind. Please, hold your applause until the end of the performance (the last day of fall).
What if leaves changed shape as well as color? You can teach a man to fish, or you can introduce him to a woman named Fish who happens to look like a trout.
The only time I like traffic lights turning yellow or red is in the fall.
If I wouldn’t have looked under the hood, I’d have never noticed the problem. But as far as I know, the problem didn’t exist before I opened the hood. So did I cause the problem by becoming aware of it, or was it already there regardless of my ...
Awesome is a substance I sell in times of peace. And despair. It’s slippery and smells like freedom, so do not attempt to apply it anally. That advice is mostly directed at politicians.
My life was unbalanced. That is, until I found love and grew a second leg.
My baseball team is called the I Ams. Just me and my clones on the roster. We’re devastating. Well, at least I am.
I've been able to sleep with my eyes open ever since I started watching baseball.
Growing up, I used to use and apple instead of a baseball. It was just more fun to hit, and a healthier and better tasting snack than America’s favorite pastime.
I’m trying to cover all my bases so I can be a complete baseball nonplayer. I’ve already not bought a bat, a glove, and a bed to sleep on.
