Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

I’ll never be as old as someone older than me, but I can be older than them if I outlive their lifespan.

Jarod Kintz

I’m older now, which I can’t help, but I’m also fatter, thanks to all the extra helpings.

Jarod Kintz

Right now is the youngest I’ll ever be, so I suppose I’d better act immature while I still can.

Jarod Kintz

If I aged twice as fast and lived twice as long as a normal person, would I be Wisdom Man?

Jarod Kintz

We were wearing diapers at the same time. We didn’t grow up together, however. I was in the crib, and she was playing cribbage in the nursing home.

Jarod Kintz

The old me is younger than the new me, the me now.

Jarod Kintz

Agatha’s older than I was when I was her age.

Jarod Kintz

I’m people wealthy. My grandchildren have grandchildren, some of whom are even older than me.

Jarod Kintz

I'm a year older than 365 days ago, and I'm having trouble bending my knees and my lower back is killing me. Everything reminds me of death. Especially bending over all day to steal the flowers off all the graves in the cemetery.

Jarod Kintz

Age is just a number. So is my area code.


Jarod Kintz

I got my nails done today. I’m so glad that after 30 years, they’re finally finished.

Jarod Kintz

Even when we’re old, I’ll still look at you with the same eyes. (Who else’s eyes am I going to look at you with?) My love for you is Louis Braillesque.

Jarod Kintz

I am an uncle, though this is not a new feeling for me, as I’ve been one before. I’ve also been 2 through 32, and I turn 33 in March.

Jarod Kintz

How many birthdays can you fit in a shoebox? I guess that depends both on how old you are, and what size shoe you wear.

Jarod Kintz

Women always want to look younger, and I always want to look older, so I could look like Pliny the Younger. As a lover, that would give me the best of both worlds.

Jarod Kintz

I don’t want to ever see her again, because I want to always remember her as she was—young and beautiful. She won't remember, because she was 88 when we met and suffering from dementia.

Jarod Kintz

I want to meet a woman named Sherry who only drinks brandy, and a woman named Brandy who only drinks sherry. Then I’ll offer each one of them one magical night of sex with me, in the form of two of my clones.

Jarod Kintz

I wish I had money now. If only I’d saved my allowance growing up, instead of squandering it on balls, balloons, booze, and floozies.

Jarod Kintz

I had a dream where I drank my own grandma. What she was doing disguised as a bottle of booze isn’t entirely clear to me.

Jarod Kintz

Courage is a vitamin best swallowed with whiskey.

Jarod Kintz

With the money I spend on alcohol, I could support a family of four, assuming they are all heavy drinkers.

Jarod Kintz