Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

As I was driving down Beach Blvd., I saw a building that said, "Self Storage," and I thought, "I wonder if my ego could possibly fit in just one unit.

Jarod Kintz

Nothing, Everything, Anything, Something: If you have nothing, then you have everything, because you have the freedom to do anything, without the fear of losing something.

Jarod Kintz

If we could celebrate our birthday on any day of the year, would you choose the one you were born on? I’d be a fool and a liar if I told you I didn’t want to celebrate my birthday on April 1st. And you know I’m no liar.

Jarod Kintz

In high school I tried out for the spelling team, but only because I really wanted a letter jacket.

Jarod Kintz

Most fools drink after one another, from a thinking cup that is empty. But I only drink after people whose cups are filled with a fluid to fascination ratio of nearly 1:1.

Jarod Kintz

Is there anything more pathetic than a flower that doesn’t get enough sunlight and dies, because it couldn’t get out of bed until four in the afternoon?

Jarod Kintz

I like using big words. Words like huge, gigantic, massive.

Jarod Kintz

I always felt that Jim Morrison was a terrible name for the front man of The Doors. No, for a band called The Doors, a name like Rusty Hinge would have been more appropriate.

Jarod Kintz

If my remote control doubled as a dildo, I'd never get off my ass to change the channel.

Jarod Kintz

Tomorrow I was supposed to have a meeting with a salesperson, who happened to be Orafoura. But something came up, so I called him and said, “I’m sorry to tell you this, but I have to cancel tomorrow.” To which he replied, “Cancel tomorrow! Wh...

Jarod Kintz

When I hear Jazz, my first instinct is to lean over to the guy next to me and whisper, "Fourth floor, please.

Jarod Kintz

Did you know it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile? I know, because yesterday was in a bad mood, and I guess I must have frowned too much because this morning I woke up with a torn groin muscle.

Jarod Kintz

I think we should model parts of the English language after the Inuits, who have 52 words for snow. Why don't we have 52 words for love? Instead, I have to rely on metaphors like, Her love was as pure as yellow snow.

Jarod Kintz

I love apricots. They’re so fuzzy they’re furry. They’re like little pets you can eat legally.

Jarod Kintz

You know, poets and songwriters have long known that people like repetition. You know, poets and songwriters have long known that people like repetition. I guess when I say people, I mean everyone but my Grandfather. He hated anything that was so mon...

Jarod Kintz

Grandmother hates it when I do the "turkey dance." Basically, I lather my naked body in gravy and then spaz out on the kitchen floor. She just doesn't understand modern dance.

Jarod Kintz

I read books so dry even a cactus couldn’t grow on them. But who cares? I’m not a farmer, I’m a thinker.

Jarod Kintz

I think it would be rewarding to be a professional non-thinker, because I’m always trying to do the exact opposite of work. So I might as well spend eight hours a day deep in thought. Plus, I think it would be marvelous to hear my boss scream, “W...

Jarod Kintz

Rather than waste a whole day, I would rather spend it counting to 86,400.

Jarod Kintz

If I owned a house that had a bathroom with no toilet, only a urinal, I’d call that the number one room, and I could easily both describe it and point to it with one finger.

Jarod Kintz

I think it would be funny if some guy walked into a house and said he just stepped in shit. Then he’d ask other people to look at the bottom of his shoes as he lifted each leg and foot so they could see. When all the people said no, they didn't see...

Jarod Kintz