Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

A blanket could be used as a cat. Wait, I have that backwards. A cat could be used as a blanket. 

Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used as Bigfoot. You know, as something the people can really believe in. 

Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used as a thick bumper sticker. Then if you get in a crash, you can blame it on the housing market and the element of irrational exuberance created by Alan Greenspan.  

Jarod Kintz

A brick and a blanket could be combined to create a blink. And a half a blink, as we all know, is a wink. A wink and a smile might be enough to get you back to my blanket.  

Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used to symbolize my fear. You may snicker and call me an irrational coward, but many people are afraid of spiders, and my fear, the brick, is a killer of spiders. Is it not reasonable to be afraid of what you’re afraid of is afrai...

Jarod Kintz

A brick could be strapped to the back of a pet gerbil, to teach it how to swim. That’s how I learned to swim. Grandpa glued a gerbil to my back, dropped me off in the middle of Lake Erie, and told me he expected both of us back for dinner the follo...

Jarod Kintz

A brick is a polarizing object. Especially if you find it at either the North or the South Pole.  

Jarod Kintz

A brick could be planted on a farm, in the hopes that a house will spring up come harvest. But that idea is ridiculous, because we’re in a drought, and there simply hasn’t been enough rain to yield a crop of that magnitude. 

Jarod Kintz

A brick could be held in one hand, and a stack of dollar bills in the other, to illustrate the difference in weight between the real and the imaginary. The imaginary only weighs more when you believe in it, and then once you stop believing in it, it ...

Jarod Kintz

A brick could be grown on a tree, much like an apple or money, so that maybe humanity could achieve world peace—starting with not killing innocent fruits and vegetables. 

Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used to measure water levels through what scientists call hydrostatics. If you throw a brick into the ocean, you’ll have proof that sea levels are rising globally.  

Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used to raise my spirits. I’m feeling low right now, low by about three inches. 

Jarod Kintz

When you see my skill with a brick, you’ll think I’m skilled under the blanket. But I’m not. 

Jarod Kintz

A blanket could be used as a tablecloth, to cover up illicit brick deals done under the table. 

Jarod Kintz

A brick could be used as a comb, if you’re bald and have no hair. 

Jarod Kintz

Blankets are covers, covering the sins of my fathers.  

Jarod Kintz

If yage were a word that meant “maturity,” then every single woman I’ve dated has been at least twice my yage.

Jarod Kintz

I may be alive now, but in a series of moments I won’t be. And let it be said about me: He didn’t waste his time talking to conch shells, but he did listen to what they had to say about the ocean.

Jarod Kintz

I would have been a black belt in Karate much sooner, but the store was sold out of Sharpie markers.

Jarod Kintz

I sing karaoke like I drink coffee. If my words come out a bit gargled, relax, that’s precisely how Hootie and the Blowfish is supposed to sound.

Jarod Kintz

I have a "Waiter, there's a hair in my soup" dance. It involves platform shoes, a mustache, and a hair net.

Jarod Kintz