She called and said she had to cancel tomorrow. “Cancel tomorrow!” I shrieked. “Does that make today the last day, or at midnight tonight will the world just skip over to the day after tomorrow? But wouldn’t that still make it tomorrow?
Sometimes the thing that brings us together also pulls us apart. Sort of like a zipper.
I don’t punch walls, because walls don’t punch back. I also don’t punch things that can and do punch back.
When certain people can’t figure out why a certain place produces a certain thing, they tend to say, “There must be something in the water.” And I always think, “Yeah, there is something in the water. They’re called fish. They grow on land,...
I unwind with wine—or a few counter clockwise turns.
Some people work in the medical field, others in the legal field, while I work in the green field. Except in winter, and then I work in the brown field.
A brick could be used as a flotation device, if you’re Michael Phelps and don’t need it.
A jet may be perfect for breaking the speed of sound, but a brick is designed to break the speed of silence. Just listen to that quietness.
Issues need to be addressed. So do boxes of bricks that need to be mailed. Make the shipping label out to Kat Nelb, 2332 Blanket Anagram Way, Jacksonville, Fl 3223.
A brick and a blanket are going to help me conquer the world. Just give me an army at my disposal, and you’ll see what I mean.
Bricks, bricks, and bricks could be given away at the Olympics, instead of gold, silver, and bronze medals. If all a champion wants is to win, then I’ll take all that unnecessary gold and silver off the international community’s hands.
Blankets could be used to make perimeter walls, to keep out an invading army wielding pillows instead of swords.
A blanket could be used to put out a fire. Unless that fire is in your heart, and you simply refuse to give up and let the issue, and your body, rest.
A blanket could be folded up and kept in the trunk of my car, in much the same way that I do with the Chinese gymnastics team before I chauffer them around town.
A blanket could be bunched up and used as a seat cushion. But I’d rather cut off your buttocks and use that instead. Isn’t it better that I be the one to sit on your fat ass all day? After all, sitting on your ass is all you seem to do now that y...
A brick could be analyzed in the lab, broken down into olfactory components, and repackaged as an air freshener that promises that “new home” smell.
A brick, with its rigid conformity, could be used as a model for how the government wants its citizens to be treated. Every brick in this country is equal, and as such they should be identical, and line up in a straight line and keep quiet. And they ...
A brick could be affixed to the collar of my shirt, because I’ve already got the weight of the world on my shoulders, so what’s the problem with a little new construction to go on top?
A blanket could be used as an example for how you should make important decisions. Don’t give me a yes or a no now. Sleep on it and get back to me in the morning.
A blanket (twin, full, or queen-sized) could be placed squarely over the state of Rhode Island, and there’d still be enough blanket space left over to keep an obese man warm through a blizzard.
A brick could be used as a bottle opener. Just don’t smash down too hard, or you’ll shatter the bottle.
