Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Leadership. I separate myself from the pack at such a great distance that it may be said that I’m a leader—a leader of one with followers of none.

Jarod Kintz

On average, women are better liars than men. But the best liars are men, because politicians are still predominantly men.


Jarod Kintz

I heard everything you said, listened to half, and agreed with a quarter. And 12.5% isn’t bad—if you’re collecting that in interest on money you lent out.

Jarod Kintz

I don’t need a hearing aid—I need a listening aid. And this aid, she’d better be pleasing to look at.

Jarod Kintz

I’m not gentlemanly. When I’m gentle, I’m not manly, and when I’m manly, I’m not gentle.

Jarod Kintz

If it’s invisible, I can’t remember if it’s there or not. And not only that, but I can’t even remember what it is.

Jarod Kintz

When I have to be in two places at once, my mind at once decides twice which one place to be in.

Jarod Kintz

I can’t afford to waste either my money or my time—but that doesn’t stop me from trying.

Jarod Kintz

I need to call it a night. But only because I don’t know what else to call it. What’s in between evening and morning?

Jarod Kintz

A shadow is midnight’s whisper, I thought as I shouted at my invisible clone. Killing your own clone is the only time you could commit murder and suicide at the same time by killing just one person.

Jarod Kintz

Love isn’t stackable and interlocking, like boxes or Legos. Love is like a one-legged man standing on a three-legged chair that is placed on top of a two-legged piano. I should know, because I’m the guy trying to tune that piano, fix that chair, ...

Jarod Kintz

The crickets sounded like maybe in the trees. They were pretty loud to be so unsure of themselves.

Jarod Kintz

I always wear my seat belt when I drive a point home.

Jarod Kintz

If birthdays fell from the sky like Saturdays shaped like saxophones, I’d learn how to play the flute on Tuesdays.

Jarod Kintz

I stand six feet back when meeting new people. And before they can step to me and extend their arm for a handshake, I drop down like I’m doing pushups, and extend my right hand. It’s friendly, but it lets them know I’m into boundaries. And unle...

Jarod Kintz

A smile, a smirk, and a wink walk into a bar, and the bartender asks them what they’ll have to drink, and I didn’t hear what they ordered because I was onstage giving an exciting lecture with a yawn.


Jarod Kintz

My information is based on yesterday’s newspaper. But that’s OK, because I’m living in the past. It’s always two days ago to me.

Jarod Kintz

I collect the most valuable thing in the world—free time. But unlike other priceless things, I don’t need a safe to keep it safe, because I keep all my free time in the past, where nobody can touch it—not even me. My collection grows larger eve...

Jarod Kintz

Your face influences your life, because it effects how people treat you. Sometimes you don’t have to be king to be treated like royalty—you only have to look like the king.

Jarod Kintz

Birthdays are like politicians. I don’t like any of them, but they still keep coming around.

Jarod Kintz

If a man’s a constant hand-shaker, he must be a politician or a crook—or both, if he is a politician.

Jarod Kintz