Do you find it erotic how my pants bulge in the crotch, where I keep my coffee cup?
Even though I believe birthday parties should be given, not taken, I wish someone would take all of mine and hide them on the other side of eternity.
When my now ex wife said she wanted a separation, I was horrified. So I said, “You want me to wear a condom?!
We made love like September swims in August. But that’s natural, because it’s too cold to go swimming in October.
Doing autograph sessions all day is not what I signed up for. But that’s just all part of not being famous.
With a tough decision, the act of flipping a coin allows you to figure out which you really prefer, because as the coin is spinning, you find yourself slightly pulling for either heads or tails. No need to follow the coin’s outcome—choose the sid...
Don’t tell me your name. If you don’t tell me your name, I can’t hurt your feelings by forgetting it.
Of all the flowers from a rose to a carnation, I’d die for reincarnation.
I’m building a hot air balloon out of my love for you. I’m starting with the hot air, and then I’m going to surround that with saran wrap, because after all, I’m only using leftovers.
I wouldn’t want the guests at my birthday party confusing my celebration with the Oscars. That’s why I’m having the awards ceremony after we eat cake and I open my presents.
Love is the most precious gift you could ever possibly hope to steal. Some women foolishly do not leave their rib cages locked at night.
I don’t know what’s in the box, but I love it. Unopened gifts contain hope.
The government wants to be aware of all your movements—probably including your bowel movements. Ain’t that some shit?
I don’t like salad dressing. I prefer salad undressing. I’m a health freak. And I do mean freak.
If I weren’t married, and I didn’t have a girlfriend, I’d ask that girl out. But what can I do? I’m an honorable guy.
My clones just honored me with the 2012 Man of the Year Award. But I wasn’t fooled—I knew they were really honoring themselves.
The coolest way to be cool is to be yourself, because nobody can be you but you. Well, aside from your clone.
I didn’t list listening as one of my skills, probably because I didn’t hear what the interviewer asked.
When I hear your name, I involuntarily clench my butt cheeks. Is that love? I don’t know—I’m not Nicholas Sparks.
I knew it, but I knew you didn’t know I knew it, so I knew to not let you know I knew it by acting like I didn’t know it.
I want to write a universal truism that won’t be blurred by body language, cultural confusion, or translation mishaps, so I want to bypass language—both verbal and nonverbal—and leap to pure concept where all men can be reached, or stoop down t...
