I enjoy scratching itches on my body with my beard stubble. The worst though is when my lower back itches.
My shoes were all muddy, so before I walked in my friend's house I sprinkled grass clippings all over my feet and said, “Excuse the mess—I just stepped in real estate.” While the value of my words wasn’t like 2007 prices, it was still worth e...
For my books, I do everything short of writing my own reviews. Those I do tall.
I want to create a cologne that smells like a whisper. It’ll be for all the secret admirers out there.
There should always be one more cat than person, so everyone has one to pet, and I have two to myself.
I have hair on my chest. And it’s purring.
Yesterday I complained of chest pains. My cat scratched my nipples.
I wish there were a vending machine that served cats. Not to eat, but to pet during my work break.
I put the “cat” in category. And not only do I put it there, but I pet it too.
If you just give me a chance, I could be the man you’ve never dreamed of and never wanted.
The only thing that stays the same is change.
Starbucks has odd drink sizes. I say man’s hands were meant to be cupped, so pour the hot coffee right in. But obviously I’ll need help pouring and stirring in cream and sugar, as my hands will be full.
I taught a college course called “Of Course!: Helping the Oblivious Realize the Obvious.” Nobody showed up to class, probably because the time and location weren’t obvious enough.
I went to visit my dad. He didn’t say a word to me. Or if he did, I couldn’t hear it through the grass, the dirt, and his coffin lid.
A tie is like an arrow pointing to my crotch. A tie is also like an even score.
The light lulls you into a false sense of security. But if the dark should come suddenly and silently, you’d stand out like black on night.
If someone is playing on my fear, the natural tendency for a person is to throw all their energy and focus into protecting that vulnerability. But I say if you’re playing on my fear to the left, I’m going to look to the right and try to find out ...
Whenever I see a gorgeous woman, I think, Who is that tall drink of water, and how come I’m suddenly thirsty?
I’m thinking ahead to how I’ll be thinking back to me thinking ahead in this moment.
It is possible to be in two dreams at once. If I dream about you, and you are asleep at the time, you are in both your dreams, and mine. Still, you’re not really in my dream, are you? It’s like a party you’re invited to, but aren’t allowed en...
I make my own cologne. It’s called “Sweat,” and it’s hard work making it. But I can tell people love it, because they’re so envious and jealous when I wear it that they avoid me altogether.
