Quotes by Jarod Kintz

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

I wrote this because someone put a gun to my head and said, “Write.” And do you know how long it takes to type with one hand while your other hand is shaking from holding a loaded Sig Sauer? Well, at least twice as long.

Jarod Kintz

I make love like I ride my two-seater unicycle—slowly. If you feel unstable, you can hang on to my handlebar mustache.


Jarod Kintz

Amputate your leg, and attach it to the underside of your wobbly, three-legged chair. Fixing your chair is easy. Ask me how to repair your broken erection.


Jarod Kintz

If I tried to mail our love, it’s irregular shape and unknowable dimensions would make it difficult to box up. That’s why I’d chop it up and stuff it in a garbage bag, like it was a common body that needed to be dumped. Speaking of that, my nei...

Jarod Kintz

Instead of a Lemonade Stand, I should open up a “You know what I can’t stand?” Stand. I’ll sell rants in small, medium, and large.

Jarod Kintz

I can bench press steam, but not fog. I just have to wait until the fog lifts itself.


Jarod Kintz

My next breath may very well be in your lungs. Store it wisely, because my life depends on it.


Jarod Kintz

I have a secret secret admirer. Not only is her identity a secret—but so is the fact that she admires me.


Jarod Kintz

I just took a little nap. I stole it from an infant.

Jarod Kintz

Love is like trying to wrestle an albino. It’s tough because they’re slippery and all lubed up with sunscreen.

Jarod Kintz

The year you were born marks only your entry into the world. Other years where you prove your worth, they are the ones worth celebrating.

Jarod Kintz

I did not approve of your action—I was merely congratulating myself. What you mistook for clapping was merely me giving myself multiple high fives.

Jarod Kintz

It’s what you do in your free time that will set you free—or enslave you.

Jarod Kintz

When faced with two equally tough choices, most people choose the third choice: to not choose.

Jarod Kintz

I take my investment advice from my dentist, because he’s just as likely to lose me money as a financial advisor.

Jarod Kintz

Death is coming—but hopefully not before old age, decrepitude, and senility.


Jarod Kintz

You’re already older than the last time I saw you, and I just saw you right before I blinked.

Jarod Kintz

I’m world famous. Throughout the globe—north, south, east, and west—there are literally four people who know my name. It’s great to have all four grandparents still living, and widely dispersed around the world.

Jarod Kintz

Broke is a relative term, like sister, cousin, or Uncle Sam.


Jarod Kintz

Growing up, the only class I didn’t doodle in was Art class, because there I’d get to spend the whole time drawing.

Jarod Kintz

She didn’t have the body of the supermodel. But that’s OK, because she didn’t have the face of one either.

Jarod Kintz