I make art for one person and one person only. And as soon as I find that one person, I sure hope he has a lot of wall space, because he’ll be getting a lot of art from me.
I’ve always felt that the best place to hide a body is in the trunk of a cop car, with a note affixed to the body that reads, “I’m sorry.
My parents always said that knowledge was the best gift they could give me, probably because they were too cheap to buy me Christmas or Birthday presents.
I didn’t feel like buying him the jacket he asked for for Christmas, so I just got him a coat hanger with a sticky note attached that read, “Here’s something for you to hang your dreams on, pal.
I told the waitress I wanted some coffee. She asked if I wanted leaded of unleaded, so I had to leave the restaurant, because I quit drinking gasoline years ago.
Flowers and fear are a lot alike. For one, flowers and fear have a distinct smell, and two, I’m currently trying to grow both in my garden.
The other day I went to the Huddle House. I wasn’t hungry, I just wanted to call some plays.
I have a real problem keeping friends. I'm always running out of space in my freezer.
I love tables. And dancing. Oh, and I love table dancing, although Grandmother always says, "Wait until we're finished eating.
A lot of people go searching for “Truth.” But they can’t be searching too hard, because very few of them ever think to look under my bed.
I’d love to work with an Asian guy named Wu Hu, because just saying his name would get me all pumped up and excited.
Grandpa always used to make me ride in the bed of his pickup truck, so he could keep up his conversations with the 100-pound sack of manure he kept buckled up in the passenger seat. Grandpa said all they ever talked about was grass, but I know Grandp...
And then he said the next time he sees me the gloves are coming off. I said, "Doc, that‘s no way to perform a prostrate exam.
Moral codes are like the ocean. Some people live by them, while others, such as myself, would rather live by a lake.
If writers write, then rangers range. And I’d like to wake up every morning and be a mother, so I could eat my own clothes.
I want to hang from a tree the way Spanish moss hung from my father's face, like the mustache he was so embarrassed he couldn't grow.
I have discovered that the easiest way to make my nose appear smaller is to wear a Speedo on my head.
It’s been said that the most successful people are often early risers. So that’s why I started getting up in the afternoon, which is well before any “successful” person even thinks of going to bed.
If the world were coming to an end tomorrow, I’d probably call in sick to work.
The only time I really think is when I smoke, and I quit smoking years ago.
Sometimes I wish Jim Morrison were still alive, because I'd love to see a concert in which "The Doors" opened up for "The Cars.
