All my best writing was written before 1982, and then a significant event happened to me: I was born.
The best part about having kids is not actually having to have kids. Thank you, women.
I’m not exactly sympathetic, but I do have a big heart. I have to, to be able to pump all the blood required to operate my massive penis.
Education will only take you so far. To go even further, I’d recommend getting a piggyback ride from a midget half your body weight.
More people are leaving TV behind to read my books than ever before. In the last year alone I gained over two readers (three, to be exact). So I’d like to take a moment and say thanks mom, dad, and kidnap victim I keep chained in the basement.
I prefer physical books to eBooks, because an eBook can’t be the solution to a wobbly chair like a real book can.
I just wrote the book of love. Well, I coauthored it with Cupid and Nicholas Sparks.
I am quite possibly the world's bravest coward. I have never backed down from backing down from a fight.
I once saw a snake having sex with a vulture, and I thought, It’s just business as usual in Washington DC.
Of all the things God created, from sunrises and rainbows, to black holes and humor, cats are the most fascinating to me.
When people change, I’m disappointed they’re not who I remember them being. And when people don’t change, I’m disappointed they still are who they were. All people do is disappoint, and I do mean all people.
I bought an oxygen tank, because with the global population at over seven billion people and rising, what if the world were to suddenly run out of air? And while the people will be suffocating, I’ll be the only guy prepared to pillage and loot.
You can tell a lot about a person's character by how they do life's menial tasks. For example, I saw my neighbor washing dishes, and I could immediately tell that he was an adulterer by the way my wife's naked body glistened through his kitchen windo...
I want to write a song about retaliation called, "Oh Yeah, and I Faked Every Orgasm...While You Were Out of Town.
If coffee meant vagina, I’d ask you if you wanted cream in your coffee. But it doesn’t mean that, so I’ll just sit here and continue sipping my mug full of steaming vagina.
Mouths are longer than they are wide, to ensure words don’t come out sideways. Even the word “sideways” comes out straight.
The wind blew my words away from you. So while I told you I love you, the phrase was carried in the opposite direction and landed 333 miles away in the ears of a confused farmer. He was nice, though. He sent me a kind letter saying that while he was ...
War is fought over futile and feudal things. War is not about ideology, no matter how artfully framed, but it’s simply about power and money and control.
Out of love I made you a cake. Also out of milk, eggs, flour, sugar, and vanilla.
I’m famous for my Shepherd’s Pie. Here’s my recipe: lamb, potatoes, cheese, peas, paprika, and a wool-covered apron for the chef/shepherd/wolf-like politician to wear while serving the sheeple up.
A mafia don could snap his fingers and somebody would snap my neck. But when I snap my fingers, people start dancing. Or at least my clones would.
